


We Walk Together

by niclxo



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Abusive Parents, First Kiss, Fluff and Angst, Kiyoko Shimizu - Freeform, M/M, Mutual Pining, Pining Tsukishima Kei, Slow Burn, Tsukishima Kei is Bad at Feelings, first on ao3 but not my first ever
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-08
Updated: 2020-12-31
Packaged: 2021-03-07 21:55:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 20,129
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26504761
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/niclxo/pseuds/niclxo
Summary: Tsukishima is afraid to love knowing it doesn’t last forever, and Yamaguchi is the only one he has left. He knows it’s pathetic but he grows more dependent by the day. He can’t help it. It’s too safe in Yamaguchi’s arms.But he probably should’ve stuck to his instincts.[Updated at least once every week or two. Please check the trigger warnings in the tags!]
Relationships: Tsukishima Kei/Yamaguchi Tadashi
Comments: 11
Kudos: 89





	1. Chapter 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Aw, don’t fall in love with me, Tsukki.”
> 
> “As if.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i’ve used ao3 but never to write since i’ve used wattpad for years but here i am now? this site is fun lol
> 
> also i have a lot of prewritten chapters fjsjfhd i got excited

Tsukishima should have cherished the moments where Yamaguchi rested his head on his shoulder as they linked arms and made jokingly flirtatious remarks. His dorky grin after telling Tsukishima a shitty pickup line brought a similar smile to the brooding one.

They had always been close, ever since they met as just tiny kids when Yamaguchi got bullied. The other members of the Karasuno volleyball team knew them to be close friends, but soon enough, they were practically attached at the hip. Not that either was complaining, but Tsukishima’s mind began to wander off to what would happen if Yamaguchi finally got sick of him. But never mind that.

The first time Yamaguchi held his hand was at the park by Tsukishima’s house. Unknowingly, he grabbed it when his ears were assaulted by the barking from a dog going on a night walk with his apologetic owner. Although Yamaguchi didn’t notice until the dog went away that he was holding Tsukishima’s hand, the latter stiffened at the touch right away, contemplating whether to let go or not.

“Oh! Sorry, Tsukki,” Yamaguchi said when he looked down at their hands before pulling away. “It was an accident. I get that you don’t really like being touched.”

Yamaguchi was right. Sugawara’s hits, Nishinoya and Tanaka being Nishinoya and Tanaka, and a bunch of the other members on their team being playful or reassuring didn’t bother him all too much, but when they were sudden, Tsukishima’s breath would get lost in the back of his throat as he tensed tremendously. But they weren’t intimate. They weren’t like holding hands.

Holding hands with Yamaguchi.

The others couldn’t read Tsukishima quite like Yamaguchi could. The green haired one would make subtle movements to bring his friend over to him and whisper, “Can I touch you right now?” And Tsukishima would nearly always say yes, because he could never say no to that face.

Yamaguchi’s hands were never as cold as Tsukishima’s, but when blood rushed to the blond’s face to the point he looked like he might explode—maybe into a rage, occasionally into tears—Yamaguchi’s hands welcomed a cool presence in contrast. He would place his hands on Tsukishima’s cheeks and smile up at him until his eyelids fluttered shut and his heart rate was at ease once again.

Because Yamaguchi was the only one who knew about Tsukishima’s anxiety. Because everyone besides the pair and Yachi didn’t seem to have a shred of self doubt in Tsukishima’s eyes, or at least, they didn’t show it.

Yamaguchi spoke with Daichi and Sugawara in private about Tsukishima’s discomfort, and they subtly worked towards backing away from the blond’s personal bubble. Tsukishima noticed a difference and brought it up to Yamaguchi with a relieved look.

But the younger one never told him how it happened. He just didn’t think it was necessary.

The pinch server cocked his head. “Tsukki?” When a few more seconds of silence passed, he snickered, “Did you like it? You know, I can hold your hand again if you want to, darling.”

He was joking. By the tone of his voice and goofy lip bite and stupid pet name, they both knew he was joking.

Tsukishima cleared his throat and smirked. “Are you sure you deserve that?” His shoulders fell into a more relaxed position as he played along.

And Yamaguchi was glowing. “And you think you do?”

He was the only one who could get the quiet middle blocker to joke around like that. Most of all, relief washed over him. That tense expression on the blond’s face from just a minute ago was gone in no time.

When Yamaguchi scooted over just a bit closer on the park bench, Tsukishima didn’t stiffen. He didn’t flinch. He just turned his head to the right and downwards at his friend’s free hand. His own itched at the urge to reach for it. In an attempt to ease the itch, he gulped and looked up to Yamaguchi’s hair instead.

Out of the corner of his eye, Yamaguchi could practically read Tsukishima’s mind. With little warning, he linked their pinkies, watching as a faint blush dusted over Tsukishima’s face. It was obvious to him that Tsukishima would be a complete wreck (though he would try not to show it) if he actually held his hand.

With their pinky fingers interlocked, they sat in comfortable silence. The awkwardness from the touch faded. Yamaguchi was the first to break the silence by saying, “What if we ran away together?” It was almost a sigh, but not quite.

A breeze of cold air hit them. “Running away?” Tsukishima reiterated. “I don’t know. To where?”

“Anywhere. Just away from here. Away from everyone.”

“Well, you have friends here. I’m here. Why would you want to leave?”

“It’s not like I want to. It’s just a thought that randomly pops up. You know those thoughts,” Yamaguchi explained. “So, what if we ran away together? Maybe we could get married in the mountains?” He laughed softly.

Tsukishima slapped Yamaguchi’s face with a smirk across his lips instead of a smile, being uncharacteristically gentle against his freckled cheek. “Eloping isn’t really my style. But I guess if it’s you and not the king or the midget-“

“How about the rooster?”

“No way. Not that annoying motherfucker.”

Yamaguchi held back a loud snort. “Then it’s settled.” He looked back out at the night sky with the cold breeze brushing against any skin left uncovered. “Tsukki?”

“Yamaguchi.”

“If you could pack up and leave everything behind, where would you go?”

Tsukishima had to sit on that answer. “Any place except where I am now is uncertain. If I ever left home, I doubt I’d be away for long. Not that I like it here, but here is where I’ve always been.”

“I guess so,” Yamaguchi replied.

“You’re not thinking of running away, are you?” the blond asked and raised an eyebrow. “You’re not leaving me with these dumbasses, Yamaguchi. Yachi, Kiyoko, and Sugawara are somewhat bearable, but that doesn’t mean I’m really their friend.”

Yamaguchi laughed, “Y’know, Yachi keeps telling me she wants to be your friend but she can’t figure out how to talk to you. She says you always seem to ignore her.”

“I can’t ignore her if she never talks to me.”

“Huh? That’s not what she told me.”

“Maybe I just didn’t know she was talking because her squeaky voice was too quiet to get me to bring my attention down to her. My vision didn’t catch her since she’s still the height of a mutant toddler.”

“Hey! Well, you’re right, but you didn’t have to say it like that.”

“Whoops, sorry for insulting your girlfriend,” Tsukishima said without a hint of an apologetic tone in his voice. Yamaguchi made fun of the others alongside Tsukishima, but he always had a soft spot towards Yachi because she was like everyone’s baby sister despite her being the age of the other first years on the team.

“I don’t even like her like that anymore,” Yamaguchi huffed.

_Good_ , Tsukishima thought. He was surprised at his own reaction. Why should he care? Yamaguchi would still hang out with him even if he got a girlfriend one day. Their time together would just be cut down. Maybe there would be days they would only be able to see each other at school or practice. Maybe they wouldn’t be able to eat lunch together.

Tsukishima hated to eat alone in public spaces. It just made him feel like a loser. What was lunch without Yamaguchi?

“Tsukki, you’re hurting me.”

The other snapped out of his worries to see he was gripping Yamaguchi’s hand like it was his last hope.

“It’s okay if it’s tight, just let go a little.”

Tsukishima was quick to loosen the grip. “Sorry.” But now he was holding hands with Yamaguchi and didn’t notice because he was too caught in the thought of losing him.

_How pathetic._

“It’s okay. I like this.” Yamaguchi paused. “C-Can we keep doing this?”

Tsukishima asked a silent question with his eyes diverted at their hands. The other nodded slowly. And since Yamaguchi wanted it, so did Tsukishima. He nodded too. The way Yamaguchi’s eyes lit up at the response made him melt.

For no reason in particular.

Yamaguchi caught Tsukishima’s blush. “Aw, don’t fall in love with me, Tsukki.”

“As if,” Tsukishima scoffed.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Your mom’s a cock-sucking bitch.”

“Tadashi.”

Yamaguchi’s eyes were glued to his socks. “Yes?”

“That Tsukishima boy’s score was higher than yours again.”

“Yes.”

“How are you not at the top of your class yet?”

Then Yamaguchi folded his hands. “I try my best and study hard for every exam. There are just a lot of really great students. I’m in the same college preparatory level class as Tsukishima. It’ll be harder for me to be at the top.”

He was a broken record.

His mother didn’t buy it.

“Really,” he urged. “Some of the students like Tsukishima are just really good.”

And he didn’t use Tsukishima’s nickname at home just to be safe of his family asking questions. He tested the waters in the past and was sure they wouldn’t accept the news that he was bisexual. Even if there wasn’t anything going on between them, he didn’t want to show how comfortable he was with his best friend.

“Give me your phone,” she said, stern.

Yamaguchi’s eyes widened. “Huh?”

“Go to your room and study while I have your phone. You’ll have it again in the morning. It’s a distraction.”

“But-“

“Give me your phone.”

She didn’t need to yell at him for him to give in. He dug into his pocket and handed over his cell phone. It wasn’t like it was the first time she had confiscated it so he could do homework without the slightest distractions, but this time was different.

“Unlock it.”

Yamaguchi’s hair stood on end. “W-Why?” he raised his voice a little, only to pull back and break eye contact with his mother’s cold stare. He knew not to disobey, though, and reluctantly put in his password. She snatched it right out of his hands before he could give it to her himself and that was when he really started to panic. “I-I’ll study now. Good night.”

As always, he put his bag down by his bed and went to his desk, but this time, he was under it with his knees to his chest and his hands over his mouth to stop himself from screaming. His body began to tremble as his vision blurred. This can’t be happening.

He was out to Yachi, Kiyoko, Hinata, and was planning on coming out to Tsukishima. The only reason he was out to three of his friends was because they’d come out first, but Tsukishima never expressed a certain opinion on the subject matter. When another member came out, he would stay quiet and simply nod.

If his mother looked through his texts, it would all be over.

But most importantly, Yamaguchi was going to call Tsukishima late at night. They never ran out of things to talk about despite spending every second of the day together. Plus they were both night owls and sometimes fell asleep on the phone together. This time, he couldn’t even text Tsukishima to cancel.

When he woke up the next morning from a restless sleep, he was relieved to get his phone back.

“That Tsukishima boy wouldn’t stop calling and texting you so I just shut off your phone completely. Good grief, he’s a bother,” his mother scowled.

Yamaguchi’s heart raced as he looked at his phone completely blown up with notifications from the blond.

Tsukishima saved him. Unintentionally, but he saved him.

━ ━ ━ ━ ━

_Kei ☾_  
yamaguchi, why aren’t you picking up my calls?

 _Kei ☾_  
yamaguchi

_Kei ☾_  
yamaguchi

_Kei ☾_  
yamaguchi

_Kei ☾_  
do you need help...?

_Kei ☾_  
pick up?

_Kei ☾_  
yamaguchi i can’t sleep.

_Kei ☾_  
i can’t fall asleep without you. pathetic, right? my mind is too busy today.

_Kei ☾_  
i tried listening to music because that’s what i always do when i can’t call you at night but i still can’t sleep.

_Kei ☾_  
yamayamayamayama

_Kei ☾_  
lmao i’m not usually this persistent.

_Kei ☾_  
hope you’re alright, sorry to bother you if you’re intentionally ignoring my messages and calls.

_Kei ☾_  
i’ll keep trying to fall asleep so i’m not even crankier at school. good night.

_Me_  
sorry tsukki :(( my mom took my phone away so i can study without distractions

_Kei ☾_  
can you call tonight?

_Me_  
hope so!

_Kei ☾_  
good

━ ━ ━ ━ ━

Tsukishima only got a single hour of sleep that night. So he didn’t act much differently than usual mood wise but his voice was noticeably groggier. At lunch, he could only stare into space with his eyes barely open.

Yamaguchi apologized profusely, knowing calls always helped Tsukishima fall asleep. “What will you do if I’m not there and your music doesn’t work again?”

Tsukishima shrugged and stabbed his meal with his chopsticks. “I had no idea I was so dependent,” he muttered to himself, but Yamaguchi heard it.

Suddenly, the shorter one had an idea. “I’ll text you some things tonight. I’m not sure if they’ll help, but it’s worth a try.”

Rice on chopsticks were right at Tsukishima’s lips, but he paused for a second to ask “What are you texting me?” before he continued to eat.

“It’s a surprise!”

“Is that really necessary?”

“Not really. But I want to.” Yamaguchi flushed pink across his freckles.

Besides having Yamaguchi in his class, the rest of Tsukishima’s day was hell to trudge through. After school, practice was ten times worse. He got a hard scolding session from basically everyone, mainly Coach Ukai and Daichi. Since he was so exhausted, his control of the ball was off.

After a grueling practice, Sugawara pulled him over gently. Tsukishima assumed he was going to worry and ask about his state but instead, freezing cold water from the third year’s bottle smacked him in the face.

“What the hell?” Tsukishima groaned. He wiped his glasses dry with his long sleeved shirt.

Sugawara beamed. “So? Did it work?”

“Ugh,” he said, wiping water off his face with his sleeves, “I guess so, but don’t do that again.”

“Tsukki!” Yamaguchi called. “We’re walking home together now, right?”

Tsukishima nodded and followed after him, waving goodbye to Sugawara. Once the pair was on the sidewalk, he asked, “Did your mom take your phone because of the recent exam?”

“Ha, yeah,” the other laughed inwardly.

He furrowed his brows. “But you got one of the highest scores in the class. What was it, a 94?”

A sheepish grin spread across Yamaguchi’s face from Tsukishima’s subtle praise. “It was a 93. I think my mom expected another full score, though.”

“Your mom’s a cock-sucking bitch.”

Tsukishima expected a huff of frustration in response. Something like, “No she’s not!” Something like, “She’s harsh sometimes, but she’s not like that!” Even though Yamaguchi made fun of his teammates, he expected a different reaction when it came to his actual family.

In reality, Yamaguchi burst into a fit of laughter. “She’s always nagging! She almost reminds me of Kageyama in middle school.”

“God, what a nightmare,” Tsukishima agreed. If someone was anyone like the king of the court before Karasuno, they were automatically on the middle blocker’s shit list.

Suddenly there was a topic shift. “I just remembered to ask you this, Tsukki—why couldn’t you fall asleep to your music like usual? It’s usually never that bad, is it?”

“Like I said, my mind was busy. Somehow I couldn’t focus on the music since it was too busy.”

“What were you thinking about, if you don’t mind me asking?”

He grunted quietly. “Nothing of importance.”

“I don’t want to push, but it’s definitely something of importance. Is it too personal?”

“Yes,” Tsukishima sighed, “now shut up, Yamaguchi.”

“Sorry, Tsukki.” Yamaguchi offered a small side smile. “You know you can talk to me about anything and I won’t judge you, right?”

“Sure.”

“And that I would’ve left you if I wanted to, but I never want to?”

“Sure.”

“Tsukki!”

“Yes?”

“I promise I’ll be here for you.”

Tsukishima’s face scrunched up due to the cheesy sentiment. “I would prefer to be more independent.”

When Yamaguchi turned his head, Tsukishima had a cold, hard stare at the end of the road. He walked so quickly, but not too fast so that Yamaguchi could catch up. Though he kept a straight path with his eyes when walking towards a specific destination, he knew exactly where Yamaguchi was—how far behind or forward, what facial expression he might be making, the width between his footsteps.

Yamaguchi laughed with no humor behind it before turning his focus back to the sidewalk. It was peaceful since Kageyama and Hinata insisted on staying extra late to practice instead of racing and screaming their way down the path home.

Eventually, the pair’s paths diverged.

“See you tomorrow, Tsukki!”

“See you.”

Just as Tsukishima started his silent stroll home, Yamaguchi spoke up and stopped him.

“You know, you can’t face the world alone all the time.”


	3. Chapter 3

As promised, Yamaguchi sent a few things along with a quick text saying his mother would be taking his phone for the night again. He made a strange request for Tsukishima to blow up his phone with notifications again. Tsukishima assumed it was to piss off his mother, so he obliged. He spammed Yamaguchi with calls, texts, and private messages on every social media he had until he figured it was enough.

When he was on Bitegram to message him there, he couldn’t help but stop at Yamaguchi’s posts. It wasn’t like he was seeing them for the first time. He looked inactive on Bitegram because he had only posted on it twice since he made an account, but he liked all of Yamaguchi’s posts. Most of his feed was Yamaguchi anyway, since he was one of the members who posted the most and the only people Tsukishima followed back were Akiteru and the Karasuno, Fukurodani, and Nekoma teams.

Nishinoya said it was rude to not follow back other students from school, but Tsukishima didn’t care about their lives enough to see updates about them. He didn’t even know why he was popular with the girls besides being tall, blond, and “mysterious”.

Back to Yamaguchi, his posts started to look a little different. His facial features just hit Tsukishima in a way he couldn’t describe. Maybe he just never noticed before.

He could scroll down and see the period of time when Yamaguchi had a crush on Yachi. He scowled. At that point, Yamaguchi would never shut up about Yachi this, Yachi that. It really wasn’t until Yachi came out as a lesbian that Yamaguchi accepted it and got over his own feelings.

Tsukishima feared they would start dating and he would lose his importance to Yamaguchi. Even now, the thought brought a tight, anxious squeeze in his chest alongside a hint of jealousy. It was immature of him, he was well aware.

Things were different now (or, most could say, back to normal). Yamaguchi sent him a playlist he curated just for them.

Tsukishima laid flat on his back, took off his glasses, and turned off the light before putting the playlist on. They all had Yamaguchi’s general vibe. Tsukishima knew he enjoyed indie music and soft tunes. It wasn’t the only genre he liked, but since it was a sleep playlist, he kept them calm.

The boy’s hands opened and closed into a fist back and forth for a while as he listened. His heart yearned for Yamaguchi’s touch, but when he realized that was his desire, his eyes flew open. The music was still going. He could hear Yamaguchi’s barely trained yet beautiful voice singing to him through the playlist.

He looked directly at the hand Yamaguchi held and his heart pounded so hard he could barely hear the music over it.

_This is why I couldn’t tell you what was bothering me, Yamaguchi._

Trying to refocus on the music, he sucked in some deep breaths. The songs so reminiscent of his friend surprisingly managed to calm him.

He put that specific hand out to his side, limp against the sheets. Offering it to no one in particular.

A dazed smile slipped out as he made his way through the queue. Finally, his eyes were starting to have a hard time staying open and all he could think was, _Yamaguchi, Yamaguchi, Yamaguchi._

_If I told you why I couldn’t sleep—_

Gentle guitar strums put him to sleep.

_—how guilty would you feel if you knew that strange thoughts of you haunted me?_

━ ━ ━ ━ ━

“You’re looking a lot better than you did yesterday. Finally back from the grave?” Tanaka teased.

Tsukishima rolled his eyes.

“Did my playlist help, Tsukki?” Yamaguchi asked, eyes bright with hope. He handed Tsukishima a water bottle.

To avoid answering the question, the middle blocker drank. Why did Yamaguchi ask anyway? He already knew, didn’t he?

Maybe not, because he frowned.

“Answer his question. Did the playlist help?” Kageyama taunted Tsukishima.

“Shut up, king,” Tsukishima replied.

“Aw, Yamaguchi made you a playlist to fall asleep?” Sugawara asked. “Good job, Yamaguchi!” He ruffled the pinch server’s hair.

“Don’t embarrass Tsukki,” Yamaguchi ordered everyone.

“Uh, thanks,” Tsukishima said only loud enough for his friend to hear. “For that, but also the playlist. It did help me. So thank you.”

The other gasped and put his hands on his chest. “Really?”

That huge smile was so precious.

Tsukishima didn’t like the way his stomach flipped like he was going to throw up. It made him dizzy. But why? _What’s wrong with Yamaguchi smiling? Why does it hurt?_

Yamaguchi cocked his head. “Are you feeling okay? Come on, drink more water. Maybe you’re dehydrated.”

“Probably,” the other agreed before drinking more water, just not enough to feel bloated while playing. When it ended up helping a little, he barely let out another “thank you” and put his hand on top of Yamaguchi’s head.

Everyone was engrossed in their own conversations, but Kiyoko and Yachi were pointedly whispering about the other duo.

“Did you just head pat me?” Yamaguchi asked. His eyes widened.

Tsukishima jerked his hand away so both were resting on the bottle. “No.”

A devilish smirk. “I think you did!”

“I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

“You’re in love with me, aren’t you? It’s okay, you can say it.”

There was that smartass quality they both shared plus a flirtatious joke from him again like what he said at the park. Tsukishima adored it when Yamaguchi was loud and confident or was just a plain asshole, but this time, he didn’t know how to respond. It threw him off guard.

“Shut up, Yama-“

“Break’s over!” Coach Ukai cut off everyone’s conversations. “Get back out there!”

 _Yamaguchi_ , Tsukishima thought, _I don’t know what it is. It hurts but it isn’t painful, if that makes the slightest bit of sense._

_What is this feeling?_

_Should I know? Am I an idiot like that tangerine?_

_Shit._

On their walk home back from practice Yamaguchi’s heart soared hearing Tsukishima almost inaudibly hum one of the songs on their playlist.

━ ━ ━ ━ ━

Yamaguchi took his shoes off as he entered his house. Nobody was home yet. He breathed out a sigh of relief. The calm before the storm.

His next exam was on Friday to come the next day. While he felt prepared, thoughts of his parents stressed him out so badly his skin began to break out.

His phone buzzed.

━ ━ ━ ━ ━

_Hitoka ^^_  
tadashi!!!! are you getting your phone taken away tonight? :(

 _Me_  
i don’t know, i can’t tell if my mom is still mad about my score until one of my parents comes home but i’m here alone right now

 _Hitoka ^^_  
but it’s not fair! you did so well and even tsukishima took extra time than usual to study for it

 _Me_  
i wish i could tell them that hahah tsukki’s my best friend and rival at the same time and he doesn’t even know it (and i doubt he would want to know)

 _Me_  
i don’t want to compete with him either, it’s okay if he gets a higher score than me

 _Hitoka ^^_  
well it’s good that you’re supportive of him but don’t cut yourself short just so you won’t surpass him

 _Me_  
i don’t, i always do my best and me and tsukki study together a lot so i don’t know

 _Hitoka ^^_  
don’t overwork yourself <3 you are so intelligent so just don’t let your mom get to you

 _Me_  
isn’t that hypocritical?

 _Hitoka ^^_  
i- damn tadashi

 _Me_  
WAIT WAS THAT MEAN

 _Me_  
i’m sorry hitoka :(((

 _Hitoka ^^_  
noo it’s okay you just usually only talk like that about kageyama and hinata but it wasn’t mean

 _Me_  
i’m sorry it was supposed to be a joke!!

 _Hitoka ^^_  
i took it as a joke don’t worry ok? <333

 _Me_  
okk

 _Hitoka ^^_  
shimizu is calling me i have to go! hope your phone doesn’t get taken away byeeeee

 _Me_  
me too, bye <3

━ ━ ━ ━ ━

When Yamaguchi realized he put it into words, his breath hitched. He called Tsukishima his rival. Yet, he admired him and called him his best friend.

He shook his head to rid his mind of competing with Tsukishima to appease his family.

At dinner, Yamaguchi kept his head down.

“We heard from the parent group chat that your class had a practice test for the exam tomorrow,” his father said, monotonous.

Yamaguchi wanted dinner to go as quickly as possible so he could go to his room, so he rushed to his bag and handed them his practice test of the day. On the front page was a 100. A full score, just for them. It was only for practice so it wouldn’t be as difficult, though.

His mother nodded at the sight, lips pursed. “Keep this score for the actual exam tomorrow, Tadashi.”

“Yes, I will,” he murmured in response. He held back a sigh. There was barely a reaction to his full score, but when he got a couple points off, it was a hurricane in the house.

The rest of dinner went on in bitter silence aside from the clinks of their chopsticks and soup spoons against their bowls set across the table. As soon as Yamaguchi finished eating, he went straight to his bedroom to escape.

He sat under his desk again and called Tsukishima, who picked up on the second ring.

“Hey Yamaguchi. Did you eat?”

“I did. Did you?”

“A bit. Why did you call?”

“You have to help me study.”

Tsukishima hesitated. “Haven’t you studied enough? You study every day for hours and you got a 100 on the practice test. You know the two aren’t all that different, right? Same concepts, just different contexts.”

“Since I got a 100, my mom wasn’t mad at me so I think I’m keeping my phone tonight. If I get a good score tomorrow I’ll get her trust back!”

“Why do you care about getting trust from that hag?”

Yamaguchi gulped. Why did he care?

_Because she’s my mom. Because I want to please my dad too. Because everything I do is because I care about others, so why would I stop?_

_Because there’s a chance she’ll find out I’m bi. Because they’ll both surely hate me then._

_Because I want to call you late at night. Because even though we see each other all day, I miss you._

“It’s- It’s a lot,” he replied.

“What’s the lowest score you can get without disappointing them?”

“Um, they were fine with anything above 95 from what I’ve noticed. It’s like they see 90 to 100 as zero to ten.”

“You can easily score above a 95. It was just the one time earlier this week there was a two point difference.” Tsukishima smirked and Yamaguchi could hear it on his end. “If I were the type to, I’d curb stomp her.”

“For what?” Yamaguchi giggled. “Being strict or like, hurting my feelings?”

“Well, almost everyone we know is strict. Coach Ukai, Daichi and Sugawara sometimes, and even that tiny Takeda. Strict isn’t really an issue. Your mom pisses me off, though. That’s why I’d curb stomp her.”

“She pisses you off because- because she-“

“You look so stressed. Don’t be stressed, it’s annoying. You turn red and start yelling incoherently. That won’t give you a good score that she keeps pushing you to have.”

“Oh. Sorry.”

“And stop apologizing too. It’s even more annoying. There are so many things you don’t have to apologize for and you do it anyway?” He was starting to get worked up, as he raised his voice gradually. “Stop apologizing when you’re doing everything right! Quit letting people walk all over you! Especially your parents who are supposed to be nicer to you than I am!”

“Wait Tsukki, why are _you_ the one who’s mad right now?”

Tsukishima huffed in frustration on the other end. “W-Whatever.”

“Um, so are you not going to help me study?”

“Who are you studying for?”

“Huh? Well, I guess my pa-“

“Who are you studying for?”

“What are you talking about, Tsukki?”

“Don’t answer my question with a question. Are you doing this for yourself or are you doing it because you’re a pussy to your parents?”

Yamaguchi let out a strangled yelp. “Please calm down. Is the right answer for myself?”

“It’s not right or wrong. It’s is it, or isn’t it?”

“I really want to make them happy. That’s what I want. What’s wrong with me wanting that? Doing what I can for them is for me.”

“Be a little selfish for once, would you?” Tsukishima said. “You’ve been stressed out of your mind for this exam. You’re suffering. They’re hurting you. Can you n-not see it?”

His voice broke a little near the end so he cleared his throat and chose to pretend it never happened.

“I-“ Yamaguchi fell silent, not finishing whatever sentence he was trying to start.

Once he processed Tsukishima’s rather aggressive lecture, his mouth fell open a little.

_When I asked about her expectations versus my feelings—_

Tsukishima grumbled an apology, “Sorry. I-I don’t know what I’m saying. Just forget it.”

_—you meant my feelings, didn’t you?_


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Tsukki, please. Can you hear me?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> lmk if i should put a trigger warning on a certain chapter.. i put them in the tags but i’m not sure how often i should put them in chapters
> 
> i’m talking about this chapter btw if that wasn’t obvious lol

“Well?” Tsukishima said.

Yamaguchi cocked his head. “Well what?”

“Well, how did the exam go? Just off what you were feeling though, since our scores aren’t out until Monday.”

“O-Oh! That! Uh, I was pretty nervous the whole time but I’m sure I did well because it didn’t feel difficult at all. I think. Am I jinxing it? Oh, God.”

“Stop freaking out.”

“I know that!” Yamaguchi pouted.

Tsukishima found that facial expression oddly adorable, but he brushed it off quickly. Once they reached the club room, they warmed up with everyone else and started practicing serves. After Tanaka, Yamaguchi was next to serve.

Nishinoya watched the ball soar for a moment. It rushed towards him a little longer before he called, “Out!”

Yamaguchi cursed to himself. Before he could get a second ball though, Tsukishima put his hand on his head and lightly ruffled his green hair. “Get the next one, Yamaguchi.”

The soft gesture seemed to cheer him up, though there was something trapped behind his eyes.

“Yo, did Tsukishima just show any means of affection?” Nishinoya called, pointing to the duo.

“Oh, shut up.” Tsukishima took his hand off Yamaguchi’s head to toss the ball and hit it over the net. Of course, Nishinoya received it far too easily.

“Oi, Tsukishima! Your serves are weak,” Kageyama snickered.

Tsukishima scoffed. “Fuck off, king of the court.”

Kageyama shot him a killer glare. Next to him, Hinata spoke up, “You’d be good if you actually tried.”

“And who are you to tell me how to play well? Your serves and receives are the weakest here, Hinata.”

He blocked out whatever Hinata or Kageyama or anyone else said next. He didn’t care to hear it. He didn’t care about this club. What was there to care about at all?

_It’s just a ball._

_It’s just a club._

_It’s just-_

“Can you hear me?”

Tsukishima gritted his teeth.

“Tsukki, please. Can you hear me?”

Muffled voices came from behind who he automatically knew to be Yamaguchi. Things like “Is he zoned out?” and “Is he okay?” and “He looks like he caught a fever.”

“Can I touch you?”

And Tsukishima nodded. He was slowly guided off the court.

_How pathetic._

_Nobody else would freak out over such unimportant thoughts._

_Nobody else is this much of a fuckup._

_Nobody else is such a waste of space._

_If Hinata can catch everyone’s attention and adoration at his level, what the hell does that say about me?_

Yamaguchi jumped and turned around when Tsukishima started choking on his gasps, hyperventilating harshly. When the middle blocker realized what was happening, tears stung the corners of his eyes.

The pinch server put his hand out and a water bottle was tossed to him. “Don’t mind them, Tsukki. They’re only worried about you.”

_Worried._

_What a funny joke._

In what world would they worry? They weren’t even his friends. They never spoke outside school, volleyball, and the group chat that he was barely active in anyway.

When they were alone in the changing room, the tears finally fell, wetting his hand. Yamaguchi moved it from his face to force him to look up. Both his hands were enclosed in Yamaguchi’s.

“Breathe with me, Tsukki. I’ll wait for however long it takes until you sound steady.”

And soon enough, Tsukishima’s breathing steadied but the anxiety attack completely drained his energy. Yamaguchi linked their arms and used his free one to hand over the bottle. “Drink some water and then you can rest on me if you’d like.”

Tsukishima followed his first instruction but resting his head on Yamaguchi’s shoulder took him a bit more effort. But he got there. His eyelids fluttered to a close.

And God, did Yamaguchi smell good.

 _Strawberries_ , Tsukishima thought.

There was that specific twinge in his chest again. He couldn’t pinpoint exactly what it was, but he expected certain tension in his body after what just occurred.

Yamaguchi never forced him to talk if something like this happened. He just had him rest and do whatever worked for him. Yamaguchi’s voice soothed him like no one else’s. It was always him. Tsukishima wrapped both arms around the arm already linked with his. His eyes were still shut.

The two girls peeked their heads in from the side despite it being the boys’ changing room. Yachi blushed due to walking in on seeing Tsukishima so vulnerable and Kiyoko just blinked a few times. They looked at one another with a similar expression and back at Yamaguchi. They both gave him a thumbs up before taking their brisk leave.

“Feeling better, Tsukki?” Yamaguchi whispered.

Tsukishima offered a weak nod against his shoulder. Seeing him so drowsy gave Yamaguchi a sudden idea.

“Wanna have a sleepover since it’ll be the weekend? Well, it’d have to be at your house, of course. It’s also okay if-“

“Yeah. Tell your parents and just come to my house after school instead,” Tsukishima replied with a dazed attempt at a smile. His eyes were slightly swollen and hard to open so Yamaguchi dabbed under them with cold water. “Oh. Thank you.”

Yamaguchi grinned. “You’re welcome.”

“Um, anyways. Akiteru is going to be home, so keep that in mind.”

“That’s okay! I’ll text my parents right now.”

But as soon as he started to get up to grab his phone from his locker, Tsukishima dragged him back down to keep holding on. “Do it later,” he grumbled.

Suddenly, Yamaguchi melted. Tsukishima really did love physical touch (at least from him), and the realization opened up a new world of opportunities in Yamaguchi’s mind.

━ ━ ━ ━ ━

****

**KARASUNO!!**

_Sugawara_  
is tsukishima feeling better? he didn’t come back to practice afterwards so i’m just checking in!

 _Asahi_  
^

 _Me_  
you can pm me, you know.

 _Me_  
but yeah. just forget about it though.

 _Sugawara_  
well that’s good! :))

 _Asahi_  
You sure?

 _Idiot #1_  
did i say something wrong earlier...?

 _Idiot #2_  
hinata didn’t say anything that bad. probably me though

 _Nishinoya_  
kageyama’s always an asshole to tsukishima though? what was different this time?

 _Tadashi :)_  
maybe we shouldn’t pry into it, tsukishima might want privacy

 _Me_  
thanks

 _Me_  
but what happened wasn’t because of anything anyone said. just drop it.

 _Bald Simp_  
shouldn’t we know so it doesn’t happen again in the future?

 _Tadashi :)_  
he wants you all to drop it so drop it. don’t make him feel guilty about his anxiety- i know you want to help but lean off until he wants to say what’s wrong on his own!

 _Me_  
^

 _Tadashi :)_  
:D

 _Bald Simp_  
sorry :( i mean i would be pushier but yamaguchi is weirdly scary if you piss him off and i’m not ready for that to be targeted towards me

 _Me_  
i like when he’s pissed so tbh be pushier. idc.

 _Sugawara_  
okay.. well we were all glad to see you doing better when leaving practice! have a good rest of your day :)

 _Idiot #1_  
see you all on monday!!!!!!!

 _Tadashi :)_  
see you!

 _Me_  
bye smh

━ ━ ━ ━ ━

“You texted your parents?”

“Yep! Let’s go.”

Neither dared to mention their arms were still linked.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “You look like you were thinking about kissing me.”
> 
> “How did you know?”

“You still have this?”

“What?” Tsukishima asked. He tilted his head to see what Yamaguchi had in his hands.

Yamaguchi turned around to show off the amateur clay dinosaur with glasses. The dinosaur was light blue with spots of a different shade. Its neck was comically long. “Weren’t we like, twelve?”

“Should I have thrown it away? You made it for me. You said it took a long time.”

“I mean, it’s pretty ugly,” the pinch server laughed. He placed it back in its original spot on the dresser by a framed photo of them together. “I figured you accepted it out of pity.”

Tsukishima smiled with his eyes. “It’s ugly. I won’t lie about that. But I like it.”

Really, he kept it because he needed something of Yamaguchi’s in case he ever left him. He wouldn’t know what to do with himself if he lost him, but at least he had something. Plus, the clumsy work of art was a sweet memory.

“Tsukki! You big softie,” Yamaguchi teased him.

“Oh, shut up, Yamaguchi.”

He flopped backwards onto his bed. Yamaguchi did the same and turned his head to say, “I’m not saying sorry to that.”

“Tch.”

They shared a bed before. During their first sleepover, they wouldn’t stop arguing about who should get the bed so they ended up sharing it. Yamaguchi insisted Tsukishima kept it since it was his house, but Tsukishima couldn’t bear to see Yamaguchi sleep on the floor. He wasn’t too keen on joining him on the floor either. From that point on, they still couldn’t come to a conclusion. So they just silently agreed to share it every time Yamaguchi slept over.

Despite that, Tsukishima felt a little hot with Yamaguchi lying there beside him. When they faced each other, they were so close.

Tsukishima noticed Yamaguchi messing with his hands and fingernails. When he was focused in telling a story, his hands often flailed around or went to his hair. His cheeks would warm if he was talking about something exciting and Tsukishima had a fleeting thought that the combination of green hair, freckles, and reddened cheeks made Yamaguchi look like a strawberry.

He couldn’t stop thinking about it.

His hand went to Yamaguchi’s hair with little thought.

Yamaguchi leaned into the touch. “You really like playing with my hair nowadays, don’t you? You can tell me, baby.”

“Really? That nickname now?” Tsukishima chuckled and removed his hand in an instant. Yamaguchi joked like that once again. It was funny and horrifying at the same time because Tsukishima’s breath was lodged in the back of his throat. “Don’t be a smartass.”

“I’m the smartass?”

Tsukishima wondered what would happen if he put his hand in Yamaguchi’s hair again. Maybe he would move it down to his cheek. Maybe then, he would guide his face towards—

Or not. Definitely not.

“You look like you’re thinking about kissing me,” Yamaguchi said with a playful smirk.

Like a damn idiot, Tsukishima panicked for a moment and sputtered out, “How did you know?”

Number twelve’s expression dropped. “H-Huh?”

“It was a joke, Yamaguchi. Ugh, take a joke,” Tsukishima spat with his face red with embarrassment, desperately trying to cover up what he just said. For someone so intelligent, that was an extremely stupid move on his end.

_Is this what it’s like to be an idiot?_

Yamaguchi fell quiet before bursting with laughter. “I know it’s a joke, silly! It just threw me off for a second.”

_Thank fuck._

The first time Tsukishima didn’t roll his eyes when his brother barged into his room without warning was right then and there because there was a distraction from the underlying awkwardness. Akiteru tossed each of them a soda and set down some fast food that was delivered to their home. Tsukishima grumbled a thanks. Yamaguchi thanked Akiteru profusely and waved when he closed the door on his way out.

“It’s not a healthy dinner,” Tsukishima stated, “but my mom is coming home late and I don’t trust Akiteru to cook. He’ll get nervous with you as a guest and it’s annoying when he freaks out.”

“Not that I’m complaining, but you cook too, right?” Yamaguchi unwrapped his burger.

“Of course. I just don’t feel like it. Is it okay though?”

“It’s completely fine! As long as-“

“I give you my fries?”

Yamaguchi beamed. “You know it. And y’know, if you ever want me to, I can cook.”

After a sip of his soda, Tsukishima looked at Yamaguchi like he had two heads. “You’re a guest. I’m an asshole but I’m not like that.”

That was the end of the discussion. When Tsukishima ate his crispy fries, he handed the box to Yamaguchi who preferred the soggy ones. He had no idea why that boy liked fries so much, and soggy ones at that.

He couldn’t deny Yamaguchi looked precious when he was enjoying his food.

_Maybe I’ll take him out to eat ramen._

_Is that the right way to phrase it? I sound like I’m planning a date._

_No, shut up, Kei. Thoughts like this are weird. Why are they showing up more often nowadays?_

When their class got the grades for their recent exams at the start of the next week, they both passed with flying colors. Since Yamaguchi was allowed full access to his phone at night, he called Tsukishima again.

The playlist was nice, but it didn’t match quite up.

Those strange thoughts of Yamaguchi flooded Tsukishima’s poor head. When he pressed call or when he pressed accept, when Yamaguchi whispered about it getting late, when Yamaguchi.

He didn’t need the playlist for a while, even during one night they weren’t able to call. Yamaguchi’s voice was a vibrant symphony’s sound bouncing off the walls of a huge theater, its stage lined with gold. Even when they didn’t call, Tsukishima listened to the music his mind made when he was reminded of Yamaguchi’s face.

_I still don’t know what you’re doing to me, but I’m starting to like it._

━ ━ ━ ━ ━

Thursday, that next week, the team stood around at practice listening to their instructions.

“Groups of four!” Coach Ukai ordered. “Kageyama, Hinata, Sugawara, and Ennoshita. Asahi, Kinoshita, Nishinoya, and Daichi. Yamaguchi, Tsukishima, Narita, and Tanaka.”

Tsukishima leaned over and asked Yamaguchi a little too loudly, “Who’s Narita?”

Sugawara burst into laughter but muffled it with his hand. However, it was a moment too late. Daichi glared at him. “We’re supposed to be good examples for our first years, Suga!”

Kageyama squeezed his lips together to keep from not hating something that the Tsukishima Kei said. Hinata did the same.

Yamaguchi gestured in Narita’s general direction to see a boy sighing heavily. “Clearance section Tanaka. They look similar, but this one’s taller, yet he never even steps on the court,” he answered with extra snark in his tone.

“Big talk from a player like you,” Kinoshita came in defense of Narita but he couldn’t deny that was a solid insult.

Tanaka and Nishinoya filled the room with their immature ooh’s. “BURN, Yamaguchi!” Nishinoya shouted and gave their number twelve a double high five.

“Yamaguchi Tadashi, you son of a bitch!” Tanaka exclaimed, nearly sobbing out of laughter at the look on Narita’s face.

Yachi had a hand over her mouth and a blush coming onto her face from the second hand embarrassment. Asahi and Kiyoko appeared just as mortified.

“Hey! Just get into your damn groups!” Coach Ukai groaned. Those kids would be the death of him.

And Tsukishima?

His insides were melting. Burning up and fucking disintegrating inside him as he replayed the previous scene even during their mini group practice session. Seeing Yamaguchi so bold and being such an asshole hit him differently. Narita shot Yamaguchi a smug look each time he got the ball past his and Tsukishima’s side of the net.

When it came to the point where Yamaguchi was told to serve, Tsukishima sighed at the sight of his stiff upper half. He put his hand by his mouth and turned around slightly. “Yamaguchi, don’t you think these two look like volleyballs with their bare heads? Don’t be afraid to serve. Once you get it over, I’m sure they’d like another of their kind on their side.”

That sure got a rise from the other side of the net and an uncontrolled giggle from Yachi, but his plan for Yamaguchi to loosen up went exactly how Tsukishima wanted.

Every offended shout of “Don’t talk to your senpai like that” or “I’m not even bald” didn’t register when Tsukishima looked at Yamaguchi. His eyebrows turned down after a deep breath.

Eyes full of confidence.

Tsukishima’s stomach flipped, almost uncomfortably so. “If we make this point, I’ll take you out for ramen.”

Yamaguchi flashed that signature smile and the burning in Tsukishima’s torso only got worse.

_Are you killing me, Yamaguchi?_

“Tsukki!”

Tsukishima jerked his head forward and jumped just in time to touch the ball Tanaka spiked, but it was a weak block since he got distracted. “Yama!”

Yamaguchi sprinted up to save it before it hit the floor but his fist missed by just a centimeter. He scowled. Narita and Tanaka high fived each other.

“Sorry,” Tsukishima huffed softly. “I got distracted.”

“Don’t worry, Tsukki. I got distracted too. You never call me Yama in real life! Only through text when you’re spamming me. And I- I guess it surprised me more than it should have.”

Tsukishima chewed his bottom lip. “I can’t tell if you like the nickname or not.”

“Oh, I do! I think it’s sweet and besides, it’s only fair.”

The others watched in awe as the two smartasses turned all mushy during their own conversation despite roasting Narita and Tanaka to a crisp not too long ago.

“Tsukishima, Yamaguchi!” Daichi yelled.

The gym seemed to shake at the dangerous tone of their team captain’s voice. Yamaguchi flinched. Tsukishima rolled his eyes and lightly slapped Yamaguchi’s arm. “Let’s go see what he wants.”

As expected, Daichi lectured the shit out of the duo. How the jokes were fine but they should be supporting their teammates. Yamaguchi got a good verbal beating about his comment on Narita never being let into real games.

“Tsukishima, you would want us to support you unconditionally, wouldn’t you?” Daichi asked. “Wasn’t the support from Yamaguchi good for you last week?”

Tsukishima’s heart dropped. “Are you seriously bringing that up? I told you all to forget about it.”

“We have to face the fact that you have an internal struggle and so do the rest of us. Nobody likes being humiliated and feeling like they aren’t good enough. Both of you need to start being more considerate. I expected it from you, Tsukishima, but I haven’t seen Yamaguchi like this before.”

Yamaguchi apologized over and over again before following the captain’s direction to apologize to Narita.

Then, Tsukishima came to a realization.

_It really is strange that Yamaguchi said that before. He makes fun of the others beside me but he isn’t like that._

If Yamaguchi was insulting someone directly it was usually in private and not so brutal unless he was really angry.

There was always reasoning.

On their walk home after practice, Yamaguchi pouted. “I guess this means you aren’t taking me out for ramen.”

Tsukishima stopped in his tracks and grabbed Yamaguchi’s hand to pull him back to a stop. He completely forgot. Even though they didn’t make that point, Yamaguchi got his nervous serve over the net, and that was enough. “No, I am.”

“Huh? But-“

“I am.” Still holding onto Yamaguchi’s hand, they went the opposite direction and took a different turn to their go-to ramen spot.

While eating, Tsukishima asked, “What was that about today?”

He told Yamaguchi about his thoughts after Daichi’s lecture.

“I don’t know why I was a little more aggressive. I was surprised too, to be honest. It sounds like something you would say.”

“I don’t know whether to be glad or scared that I rubbed off on you.”

“Well.” Yamaguchi picked up a fish cake from the soup with his wooden chopsticks. “I don’t know if it’s you rubbing off on me. If it was, wouldn’t it have happened forever ago?”

“Good point.”

“Don’t worry, Tsukki. Enjoy your meal right now. I’ll figure myself out.”

Tsukishima nodded. He relaxed at the aroma inside the restaurant and from the bowls of ramen. It was tranquil. It was everything volleyball wasn’t. Tsukishima never had a big appetite, so it was anyone’s guess why he had such a strong reaction to such a small restaurant.

The one thing he couldn’t smell was Yamaguchi since they sat across from each other on the table. Tsukishima vividly remembered putting his head by the other boy’s and getting the scent of strawberries.

In that moment though, Yamaguchi’s scent was probably faintly coated in sweat. Still, he never had a life threatening odor like most of the other guys.

_I don’t need to think so hard about this, Tsukishima told himself. That’s weird as hell._

Soon his mind was clouded with other thoughts.

Even though he adored seeing Yamaguchi with a mischievous glint in his eye and a sly smile pricking at his lips, Tsukishima still questioned if there was something off. Yamaguchi wondered, so Tsukishima did the same.

It was far too early to tell.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Your turn, Yama.”

**KARASUNO!!**

_Me_  
nobody gives a shit hinata

 _Daichi_  
tsukishima.

 _Me_  
yes?

 _Tadashi :)_  
uh oh

 _Me_  
i’m just saying i couldn’t care less about meeting hinata’s sister. i don’t feel like hanging out as a group anyway

 _Idiot #1_  
what do you have against natsu???

 _Me_  
what is she, six? i can look away for one second and accidentally crush her under my foot lol

 _Asahi_  
yeah.... me too

 _Me_  
i hate little kids so maybe it’ll be on purpose too

 _Asahi_  
oh. nevermind then-

 _Sugawara_  
remind me never to let tsukishima babysit my future kids, oh my god

 _Me_  
it’s for the best.

 _Tadashi :)_  
pleeeeaaaaase tsukki, you aren’t going to leave me alone with them are you?

 _Sugawara_  
what do you mean? you’re friends with the rest of us too!!!

 _Narita_  
cough.

 _Me_  
hey everyone i think some random person got added to our chat lmao should we kick him?

 _Daichi_  
tsukishima, you’re doing extra laps!

 _Me_  
what the fuck.

 _Tadashi :)_  
narita i said i’m sorry :(((

 _Tadashi :)_  
also, it just feels weird in a casual hangout spot outside practice/school without tsukki there so pleaseeeee please please please

 _Me_  
no

 _Idiot #2_  
he only hangs out with yamaguchi outside of school

 _Yachi_  
awww that’s cute

 _Kiyoko_  
they act like they’re dating lol

 _Me_  
what.

 _Bald Simp_  
KIYOKOOO YOU NEVER TALK HERE WE MISS YOU

 _Kiyoko_  
i saw you all at practice today

 _Nishinoya_  
KIYOKO <333

 _Kiyoko_  
bye. have a good evening, everyone except tanaka and nishinoya :D

 _Me_  
she really dipped. i think that’s a sign to fuck off?

 _Nishinoya_  
she acknowledged us!!!!!!

 _Bald Simp_  
HAHFHAJFKADHHAHDJA

 _Idiot #2_  
dumbasses

 _Daichi_  
let’s just get back on topic, okay?

 _Asahi_  
^ about natsu, right?

 _Idiot #1_  
yeah!

 _Tadashi :)_  
can we know why you need to bring her along anyways?

 _Me_  
and why are we having this group bonding thing in the first place?

 _Idiot #2_  
you know you’re the reason right beanpole? idiot.

 _Me_  
who are you calling an idiot? let’s compare grades, bitch. your scores are barely in the double digits.

 _Idiot #2_  
HEY

 _Me_  
when hinata hit the back of your head with his serve, i think he knocked out your last four brain cells.

 _Tadashi :)_  
tsukki!!

 _Me_  
i’m sitting next to you, yamaguchi. i know you’re laughing.

 _Tadashi :)_  
hey :(

 _Idiot #2_  
YAMAGUCHI

 _Daichi_  
YAMAGUCHI

 _Asahi_  
one day of peace, please.

 _Sugawara_  
SHUT UP

_Sugawara_  
THIS IS WHY 

_Me_  
i recall you laughing when we made fun of narita before. 

_Daichi_  
suga. 

_Sugawara_  
... 

_Sugawara_  
sorry, narita 

_Ennoshita_  
i think he has this chat muted 

_Daichi_  
EVERYONE, QUIET! hinata, why do you need to bring your sister? 

_Idiot #1_  
my parents won’t be home so my mom is making me bring her, i’m sorry! 

_Sugawara_  
don’t worry, hinata, i’m great with kids 

_Nishinoya_  
ME TOO 

_Bald Simp_  
ME THREE 

_Me_  
can i just not show up 

_Tadashi :)_  
you’re coming 

_Me_  
????? 

_Me_  
no i don’t think i should go. 

_Idiot #2_  
i agree, he shouldn’t go. i’m sick of him 

_Idiot #1_  
^ 

_Yachi_  
tsukishima please T_T 

_Tadashi :)_  
tsukki please T_T 

_Me_  
oh god, there are two of you 

_Bald Simp_  
oooooooooh the two people tsukishima has a soft spot for!!! maybe we’ll get him after all 

_Me_  
since when do i have a soft spot for yachi? 

_Tadashi :)_  
NOBODY CARES 

_Tadashi :)_  
YOU’RE COMING WITH US OR I WILL NEVER FORGIVE YOU 

_Me_  
... 

_Me_  
why are you looking at me like you’re planning my murder? 

_Me_  
yama 

_Me_  
he went silent here and irl.. 

_Bald Simp_  
rip tsukishima kei.... it was nice knowing you 

_Idiot #2_  
no it wasn’t 

_Me_  
FINE I’LL FUCKING GO 

_Tadashi :)_  
yayyyyyy!! :D 

_Sugawara_  
yamaguchi got him to agree so easily.. 

_Tadashi :)_  
definitely not easily 

_Me_  
yeah. anyways, see you there i guess. sorry in advance if i step on your sister, hinata. 

_Idiot #1_  
UGH tsukishima you bastard 

_Me_  
lol 

_Me_  
i’m bored now bye yamaguchi 

_Tadashi :)_  
idk why you’re saying that when i’m sitting right next to you but okay bye tsukki <3 

_Me_  
<3 ?? 

_Yachi_  
hearts T_T so cute 

_Asahi_  
did he just say bye only to yamaguchi? 

_Sugawara_  
yup. that kid, i swear to god 

━ ━ ━ ━ ━

It was only two minutes past their meeting time, and Tsukishima was already growing anxious. He expected Yamaguchi to be early as he always was to any event. Even if he didn’t show up early, he obviously didn’t make it right on time either. There was no rush, but Tsukishima stood there alone. 

Well, he wasn’t necessarily alone. The rest of the team was there but naturally, he stood a few feet apart from them. 

All of them but Natsu. She walked right up to Tsukishima and he had to look down to meet her eye. “What do you want?” he asked, deadpan. 

Her brown eyes shimmered. It was annoying. They looked like her brother’s whenever he got a dumb idea. “You’re so tall! Do you think I’ll be that tall one day?” 

“Judging by the look of your brother, I don’t think height runs in your family. Crushing your dreams here and now before they get too big. Oops.” 

“Shoyo is tall!” 

Tsukishima wasn’t fond of kids, but he never conducted a plan to “accidentally” lose one in the street until he was hit by Natsu’s squeaky voice, resembling Yachi’s but twenty times worse and higher in both pitch and volume. If he was even more mean, she would have to go away. “Maybe to you, pipsqueak.” 

“Tsukishima!” Sugawara gasped and pulled the pouty Natsu away. “That’s no way to talk to a little girl.” 

“Tch,” Tsukishima replied. “I’m not going to give her false hope.” 

Akiteru’s eyes wide with fear that one day flashed in his mind. 

Then, an image of his father. 

“Just- Just stop her from talking all the damn time.” 

Tsukishima picked at his nails to distract himself. He checked his phone for any updates from Yamaguchi and his chest tightened when there was still nothing. It had been six minutes since the meeting time at that point. Even Hinata and Kageyama weren’t late. They could arrive any place at superhuman speed but it wasn’t like they were good at directions. 

Tsukishima couldn’t help his endless string of worries. 

_He got run over by a car._

_No, he was kidnapped._

_No, his house set fire._

_No, a tire on his bike got popped by a sharp rock._

_No, people just run late sometimes. God._

Right as he opened his chat with Yamaguchi to spam him, he perked up at the familiar voice apologizing a million times to the team. A sigh of relief was released from his system and the relentless pounding in his ears calmed. 

“I made such a big deal about you leaving me alone but then I showed up late!” Yamaguchi said directly to Tsukishima. 

Tsukishima linked their arms without even thinking of the others being able to see. “Shut up, Yamaguchi.” 

Yamaguchi grinned at their position. “Sorry, Tsukki. I was only a few minutes late, though. But now you’re being all touchy. You missed me so much in such a short amount of time?” 

“Don’t flirt with me,” the blond said, but quite lighthearted. He only pulled Yamaguchi’s arm closer. Brown eyes met golden, Tsukishima’s blue sweater against Yamaguchi’s light tan hoodie. 

“Yamaguchi, what did you do for Tsukishima to not hate you?” Nishinoya asked. 

“Weren’t they friends before Yamaguchi even started volleyball? He met Tsukishima before he was the overload of salt he is today,” Tanaka said. 

Tsukishima rolled his eyes. “You can say that.” 

As they walked down the shopping center, he asked Yamaguchi, “Why were you late anyway?” 

Yamaguchi puffed out his cheeks in the most unintentionally adorable manner, turning hot from embarrassment. “I just lost track of time. I’m sorry.” Suddenly he found his black platforms fascinating and increased his walking speed. 

On his long legs, Tsukishima had no problem catching up. 

“You’re a terrible liar, you know. You look around at everything except my face.” 

“I, uh, I don’t want to talk about it right now,” the other laughed nervously. 

“Oh,” Tsukishima said. “Is it because we’re in public? And with our teammates?” 

Yamaguchi nodded. “They don’t need to know about my personal problems. Today’s supposed to be a fun day! So let’s talk about something else. Did I miss anything while I was gone?” 

“Not really. And fun, my ass. We have double the Hinata now. Natsu is just like him but smaller and her voice is even more infuriating.” 

“I think she’s cute,” Yamaguchi said. “You’ve had to babysit before, right?” 

“I once babysat for my aunt when I was eleven. I thought Akiteru’s mouthwash was juice. That was the one time I was grateful about Akiteru barging into my room. I was pretty smart for an eleven year old so I don’t know how I didn’t notice.” 

“Is that the only time you’ve been close to having a murder to your name?” 

“Surprisingly.” 

━ ━ ━ ━ ━

They sat around a circle table in a quiet restaurant. Well, it was quiet until they showed up. 

Tsukishima nearly forgot the intention of the meeting was to be a bonding session. So when the third years initiated questions they wouldn’t all know how to answer about each other unless they were friends outside of school and practice, Tsukishima prayed for the food they ordered to arrive soon so he could have the excuse to not speak with his mouth full. 

At the family topic, each of them went into slight detail about who they lived with but the circle went around fairly quick. Thank God for that. 

The food came midway and their dishes were set neatly in the middle of the table for them each to take from. Each had their own rice bowl as well. 

When it was Tsukishima’s turn, he said, “I have a mom and a brother. Next.” 

“Imagine having to deal with two Tsukishimas at once,” Kageyama said. 

“He’s nicer. I’m just better at everything else.” 

“What about your dad, Tsukishima?” 

It wasn’t Kageyama who asked, but when the question came up, he didn’t know or care who had asked. Yamaguchi had a similar reaction, as his eyebrows went up and his head instantly jerked to Tsukishima. “Um, guys-“ 

Tsukishima cut him off. “If you’d really like to know, my dad’s a good for nothing bastard, but this isn’t an interrogation. Your turn, Yama.” 

Despite the situation, Yamaguchi’s heart fluttered at the nickname. His answer was short and sweet, mentioning his mother and father before moving on until the topic had come to an end. 

Mind still on his father even while eating, the voices around Tsukishima all started to sound the same. They were deep and slurred and harsh and way too loud. His ears couldn’t take the assault. 

His stomach churned and his appetite, as small as it was, vanished. 

“Breathe out, Tsukki.” 

He hadn’t even realized he was holding his breath so hard his lungs were about to pop. 

Yamaguchi still sounded like Yamaguchi. 

“I-I’m not hungry,” Tsukishima forced out. “Take my food, I don’t want it anymore.” 

“Tsukki, eating wi-“ 

A warm piece of meat that smelled heavenly went from the blond’s chopsticks to Yamaguchi’s mouth. Yamaguchi really had no choice but to accept being fed. When the others noticed this, a few laughed. Though, most were just in shock at how much Tsukishima babied his best friend. 

“Do you want my rice?” 

“I have my own rice, it’s okay! I won’t be able to finish two bowls. Hinata has a big appetite. Let him and Natsu share if you really don’t want it.” 

“Get some meat on those bones, Tsukishima!” someone said. 

Tsukishima never skipped meals even with his lack of appetite, but the mentions of his dad ate him up from the inside. It was rude to have his phone at the table, but Tsukishima didn’t care in that moment. He put on his headphones and clicked play on his main playlist to block out the voices. 

When he lifted his head from his phone, his rice bowl was decorated with beef and string beans and tofu. The culprit was painstakingly obvious and he was decked in freckles. 

He lifted on side of his headphones to hear Yamaguchi more clearly. 

“You don’t have to finish it all, but we’re going to be out a little longer so you should get some energy.” 

_It’s hell being introverted on a team like this._

Yamaguchi was right. If he didn’t maintain his energy to continue their bonding day for the next two hours after their meal, he would probably convulse and die. 

He let out a borderline inaudible grunt and put back the side of his headphones. The chopsticks were back in his grip. 

_Fuck you for dragging me here, Yamaguchi._

_I’m never doing this shit again._


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “A really good girl is going to like you.”

The exhaustion finally reached Yamaguchi when he got up to his bedroom and belly flopped onto the sheets, his face landing on his pillow. He could fall asleep right there since the group’s bonding session went from late afternoon to after dinner. The one thing keeping him awake was the fact he needed to brush his teeth and wash his face. His shower could wait until the next morning.

Then he would get on a call with Tsukishima, of course.

When Yamaguchi got to that step, he was greeted by pure exasperation. An exaggerated groan was ripped from Tsukishima’s poor throat that was overworked from needing to speak with the others for so long. He sounded on the brink of death, or maybe intoxicated.

“You sound energized, Tsukki,” Yamaguchi snorted. It had little effect from his mind body being in the same state as Tsukishima’s. He yawned so much that his eyes watered until tears actually slipped.

“I don’t even think I need extra help to fall asleep,” Tsukishima murmured. “I could pass out for days on end right now.”

The two introverts fell mute.

“I’m sorry about your dad,” Yamaguchi said out of the blue.

Tsukishima laid on his back and stared up at the blank ceiling. “Why are you sorry? You’re not my dad.”

“You just looked really awkward back there.”

“Thanks.”

“You know that’s not what I mean, Tsukki.”

He hesitated for a moment before asking, “I chose not to mention my dad. They were too dumb to pick that up. If someone leaves their dad out of the equation, shouldn’t it be common decency to not touch the subject? When you went, you gave an answer as short as mine but nobody asked extra questions.”

“There isn’t much to ask, though. It’s more common to not have a sibling than to not have one of your parents. But, yeah. I think it was weird of them to ask in that context too.”

Tsukishima slowly exhaled. “At least I only have a bastard for a father and not for both my parents.” He shifted the topic to his friend.

“Everyone sounded so happy talking about what they did with their family... Me? I didn’t know family activities existed. I just eat with them and get yelled at.” He yawned again.

“Why don’t you yell back with them like you did to me?”

“Want me to die?” he joked.

“Oh, come on.”

“In all seriousness, I tried once.”

“You never told me. When?” Tsukishima asked, suddenly awake.

“Today.”

Something clicked in his brain. “That’s why you were late?”

“Mhm.”

“...Are you okay?”

“She, um- She got mad. I had to apologize a lot and give up my summer to take care of my grandparents. That’s the only reason I was allowed to go out and why I still have my phone right now.”

Yamaguchi sounded honest to Tsukishima. Most of his lying signs were visual, but something still felt off. “Is that all?”

“Yeah.”

“I feel like you’re leaving something out.”

“Don’t worry about it.” His smile was audible. “She’s just strict. My grandparents were even stricter on her so honestly, I’m grateful.”

“How tall is your mom?”

“Uh, just below my shoulders?”

“Cool. I can stomp on her.”

“Tsukki!”

Yamaguchi burned up and giddiness polluted his body until he was practically shaking from it. His crimson cheeks hurt from how hard he was smiling.

_How can you be so cold but make me feel so warm?_

He could almost see Tsukishima laying there next to him. Desperately, he wanted him there but a call would have to do for the time being.

_This feeling is familiar._

Tingles shot through him, even to the very tips of his delicate yet strong fingers. He clenched his fists and listened in to Tsukishima’s plan to trap and curb stomp his own mother.

Yamaguchi should have cared more about his mother’s wellbeing, but he didn’t.

And, unfortunately, Tsukishima was right about him hiding something without any clue that he could have been lying.

_You get me._

━ ━ ━ ━ ━

“Another?” Yamaguchi asked.

Tsukishima nodded and opened the letter with zero enthusiasm. He read it aloud. “Tsukishima, I’ve seen you around, blah blah, I’m a girl with brown hair, whatever, please meet me down the hall by the bathrooms on the floor of your class so I can confess properly during free block. Gross.” He placed the letter back in the pink envelope.

Yamaguchi’s stomach became an empty pit. “Are you going to meet this one?” The amount of girls who sent letters or gifts to Tsukishima set him off. They didn’t get the hint that Tsukishima wasn’t interested in anyone.

“I kind of have to or else they’ll send more letters. I need to reject them until there aren’t any left who could be interested in me. Finally, I’ll have some peace.” He threw his red backpack over his shoulder. “I can’t spend free block with you, I guess. God, so bothersome. If it’s over earlier than I thought I’ll text you.”

The green haired boy frowned. “Alright. See you next period. I’ll go find Hitoka.”

There was fire in Tsukishima’s eyes when Yachi was mentioned but it was extinguished with two blinks. “Okay.”

It didn’t take long for Yamaguchi to spot a tiny blonde girl, a tiny redhead, and their tall setter who looked like their babysitter in comparison. “Hitoka!”

“Tadashi!” Yachi greeted him. “Hm? Where’s Tsukishima?”

“He’s going into a hallway to meet a girl who sent him a letter.”

“Why are so many girls into him anyway?” Hinata whined. “What’s desirable about a giant french fry with a horrible personality?”

“I like big french fries... And his personality is not horrible!” he said, starting to get defensive.

“Sure,” Kageyama said.

“Yeah, at least Kageyama treats everyone equally as bad!” Hinata defended the setter.

“HINA-“

Yachi cut off the argument. “I feel sorry for all these girls. They should know by now he’s going to reject them all. The only person he would consider dating is you, Tadashi.”

“Yeah, exac- wait, what?” he exclaimed, his voice cracking.

Yachi giggled. “He literally fed you and looked at you all soft when we were all together.”

“We’ve shared food before, it doesn’t mean anything. I don’t even know if he’s into guys! Only four of us aren’t straight.”

Kageyama cocked his head. “Four? I thought it was Hinata, Yachi, and Kiyoko.”

Yamaguchi put his hands on his cheeks to cool them down. “Ah! I forgot I’m not out to everyone. I’m bi.”

“Oh.” Kageyama paused and remembered the definition from when Hinata came out and he did some research of his own. Well, as much as his brain could handle before he spiraled into his own sexuality crisis. “Nice.”

Hinata moved the subject back to Tsukishima. “I don’t think he likes guys or girls or honestly, anyone. I feel like he hates every gender equally.”

“That’s fair,” Yamaguchi stated.

He would have continued the conversation but his phone vibrated in his pocket.

━ ━ ━ ━ ━

_Kei ☾_  
she’s crying. what do i do?

 _Kei ☾_  
she’s not even getting mad at me for rejecting her, she’s just sad. i have nothing to say. maybe i should just leave?

 _Me_  
no!! stay there- i’ll come and make up an excuse for you to leave! if you just walk away she’ll hate you

 _Kei ☾_  
i don’t really mind that. it’s not like i know her.

 _Me_  
just stay there >:(

━ ━ ━ ━ ━

When Yamaguchi went up the stairs to see a familiar blond head, he spotted the brunette girl crying first. It was a severe punch in the gut, and not just because he didn’t want to see a girl sad.

But he kept his thoughts to himself.

“Tsukki! Kiyoko wants to see the first year players before free period is over,” he lied, out of breath from running up several flights of stairs, “so hurry before the bell rings.”

Tsukishima nodded and murmured an apology and polite goodbye to the girl. They got to the empty gym and sat against the wall together.

Tsukishima said, after a long beat of silence, “Something is wrong. You’re thinking something and don’t want to tell me because you don’t want me to get angry or hurt. Just say it, Yamaguchi.”

“What the hell, Tsukki?” Yamaguchi shouted. “Don’t psychoanalyze me! I thought that was just my power!”

“I spend too much time with you.”

Yamaguchi crossed his arms over his chest. “Tell me what happened leading up to her crying first.”

“You’re impossible.” Tsukishima clenched his teeth. “But fine. She said she thought I had a connection with her because she’s spoken to you a few times and figured you mentioned her to me. In actuality, I’ve never even heard her name. How narcissistic does she have to be to believe you’d go on a rant to me about how amazing and pretty she is after talking to you twice?”

“That’s the problem. That she flirted with me to try to get to you.” The pinch server let his head fall back against the wall. “I barely respond to attention from girls because they all want you.”

Tsukishima broke eye contact. “Oh. Right.”

“But just forget about it. It’s not your fault.”

“Do you like that girl?”

“What? No. I’m not interested in any girls. I would’ve told you.”

“Then don’t mind it.”

“What do you mean, ‘don’t mind it’?” Yamaguchi scoffed, suddenly bitter at Tsukishima’s level. “I don’t care because I want her, I care because I’m sick of-“

He stopped.

“You’re sick of what?” the blond asked.

Yamaguchi stared right into Tsukishima’s soul. “F-“

“Don’t tell me to forget it. I want to know.”

“I’m sick of not being wanted by anyone,” he finally spat.

As soon as he heard that, millions of possible responses rattled in his head, putting dents in his skull. He tried to organize them to the best of his ability, but it was still too busy. He couldn’t sift through everything.

 _That’s not true_ , Tsukishima thought.

_I know it’s not true. If Yachi liked boys, she would’ve liked you back._

_Not that I want her to._

_Not that I care._

_No, I do care. I want you._

_Well, I don’t want you. I want to be with you. Is that the same thing? Wanting you sounds romantic._

_I want to be with you all the time._

_I guess I can say I want you._

_The phrasing is horrible, but I want you._

_But what do I say? I’ve been silent for too long. Whatever I say, it won’t come out right._

_Shit, just tell me what you want from me, Yamaguchi._

Tsukishima always knew how to work his words. He rarely stuttered or stumbled on them. Sentences came out harsh and ended the same way. That was Tsukishima Kei. Not this incoherently stammering stranger who couldn’t pick out what to say to the one he could talk to easiest.

He scooted over closer and offered his hand out to Yamaguchi. For a moment he felt he was going to be left hanging but a shaky hand connected with his.

“Girls might not like you but I’m still here,” Tsukishima choked out.

Finally, a coherent sentence.

Yet it sounded really fucking stupid.

Meanwhile, Yamaguchi questioned Tsukishima’s word choice. Still, he understood the sentiment and displayed a warm smile that merely pricked at the corners of his lips. It was subtle, but his mouth paired with his unintentional heart eyes towards Tsukishima spoke volumes.

Is this the same Tsukki who basically yelled at me for not paying attention to my own feelings?

Was that the Tsukki who’s holding my hand and can barely form a full sentence or look my way?

“Thanks, Tsukki.”

Tsukishima screamed at himself inside to regain composure. To keep up his wall but comfort the boy who could effortlessly bring it down time and time again.

He tugged at Yamaguchi’s hand—

“Huh?”

—and sighed when Yamaguchi couldn’t read him. He couldn’t blame him. His face was stone even with his subtle blush.

With a slow hand, he guided Yamaguchi’s body towards his while moving even closer himself. He continued the embarrassing movements until the crevice of his neck was warm with his friend’s head resting on it. Yamaguchi was just about sitting in his lap as his breaths tickled Tsukishima’s skin. He took the hint and wrapped his arms around his torso, running his fingers up and down his back to rid of his nerves.

The strawberry scent from the boy in his arms swarmed Tsukishima. He was reminded to attempt using his words again.

“Stop letting assholes hurt your feelings. They don’t matter. Everyone on the team likes you—except maybe Narita.”

Yamaguchi grumbled into Tsukishima’s neck.

“A really good girl is going to like you.”

Tsukishima’s heart plummeted into his stomach when those words came out. He continuously forgot that Yamaguchi would find a girl.

And he would come in second place.

Yachi being a lesbian was just pure luck.

He thought back to Yamaguchi’s flirtatious jokes. They weren’t even serious, but he was so charming. Anyone could want that. Anyone could want the warm bubble surrounding him.

So warm that Tsukishima broke a sweat.

Yamaguchi was warm, but rarely scalding. Tsukishima touched the other’s cheek and came to realize he was sweating on his own. Due to the heat, his vision went hazy even with his glasses. He was trapped with the side of his brain that was everything his outer shell wasn’t.

_Pull him closer._

_Play with his hair._

_Hold his face._

_Kiss him._

Tsukishima gulped. That couldn’t be right.

“Oh wow, your heartbeat,” Yamaguchi snickered. “What are you thinking about while I’m only hugging you, Tsukki?”

“Shut up.”

The bell signaling them to go back to class killed the mood, and thank God for that.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Figures. Now this is just humiliating.”
> 
> “Why? It’s not anything strange to me.”

Tsukishima had to know. Being in the dark about himself chewed at him. He wasn’t an idiot. He knew something was different to him about Yamaguchi then and Yamaguchi now. Everything felt fine until that first flirty comment. Until they held hands for the first time. Every feeling he once had was enhanced to the max.

After finishing his homework in record time, he went to the internet. All his sources just told him he was gay for Yamaguchi.

Which was just blatantly false.

But he had two choices: to be stuck in his head with unknown things haunting him, or ask someone who knew the topic better. Both sounded torturous. Never would he confront anyone besides Yamaguchi on something so complicated, but for obvious reasons, he couldn’t.

In his head, he listed all the members of the volleyball team. They were really the only people he spoke to on the regular. Kuroo of Nekoma and Bokuto of Fukurodani made many attempts to text Tsukishima, but he wouldn’t know how to carry a full conversation or he would leave them on read. With the list of Karasuno students he spoke to, he knocked off almost the entire list in an instant. It left the third years and Yachi. Something about talking to Asahi or Daichi about something so personal didn’t feel right. Sugawara would be like what Tsukishima found online and just tell him he was gay. Yachi was horrible at playing cool and Yamaguchi would see something wrong before prying it out of her.

That left Kiyoko, the first on the team to come out of the closet.

━ ━ ━ ━ ━

A few days later, Yamaguchi texted Tsukishima and the team’s group chat that he fell sick but he would be able to come back to school in a few days at most. It was the perfect opportunity to catch Kiyoko after practice since Tsukishima wouldn’t be walking home with Yamaguchi. It was almost too convenient, but he didn’t spend much time questioning it.

“Kiyoko,” he said. With only one word, he already began to shy away from her. His body was stiff in her presence.

Kiyoko turned around, putting on her glasses that she just finished cleaning. “Tsukishima.”

He inhaled deeply. “Can I talk to you after practice in private?”

Before Kiyoko could react, Tanaka and Nishinoya simultaneously jumped onto Tsukishima. Nishinoya gripped him and bit into his shirt while Tanaka screamed, “Get away from my Kiyoko!”

“Yeah!” Nishinoya added. “What do you wanna talk to her privately about, huh, beanpole?”

Tsukishima didn’t notice he was holding his breath while he forced down his urge to turn around and beat them both up until they were sent to the ER.

The manager put a hand up. “Stop it. Both of you.”

“Yeah. Leave me alone, shrimps. I’m not asking her out,” the middle blocker hissed. He shoved them off his shoulders.

With that and the request from Kiyoko, Tanaka and Nishinoya fled the scene.

“What is this about, Tsukishima?” she asked him.

“It’s...” He stopped to look around and lowered his voice. “It’s about Yamaguchi.”

“Oh. He texted us. He’s sick today.”

“No, I know that, it’s just- it’s something else that has to do with him.” He gulped. “It’s more personal and stupid, to be honest. I just didn’t know who to talk to about it and you seemed like my best option in this scenario.”

Kiyoko’s eyes lit up all of a sudden. “Sure. I’ll see you after practice but I need a few minutes for Hitoka, if that’s okay.”

“That’s fine.”

“Good. See you then.”

“Yeah...”

And when practice ended, Tsukishima stayed behind. Kageyama and Hinata were surprised, and for good reason.

“You’re always one of the first to leave,” Hinata laughed. “What are you doing staying late like us?”

Tsukishima told him, “I’m not here for extra practice.”

Kiyoko came running in with her usual uniform on and gestured to Tsukishima. “Let’s go to the locker room instead.”

“The girls’ locker room?”

“Yes. The boys’ hasn’t been sanitized yet. I’m not going in there. I’m allowing you in since nobody else is there.”

Tsukishima cracked half a smile.

He followed her out, not caring to look at Hinata or Kageyama’s reaction. When he arrived, the difference in the atmosphere was much more drastic than he anticipated. “This locker room smells a lot nicer.”

“Hm. I would say I’m surprised to hear that, but I spend all my time with you boys,” she said. “Girls are still messy. We just have to pick up our wrappers after.”

That caused him to let out a chuckle.

“Alright, let’s talk.”

Tsukishima was lost. He didn’t even know where to begin. After a minute of thought and debating whether he should just back out while he still could, he spoke up. “Do you think... I’m gay?”

Kiyoko blinked.

Then blinked twice.

“I don’t think I can give you that answer.”

“Oh-“

“Wait. You said earlier this conversation was about Yamaguchi. Is Yamaguchi making you question this? And you’re asking me because I’m not straight?”

“No, I’m not gay or any person who likes guys, but when I tried finding an answer for what I’m thinking in regards to him, everything online just says I am.”

“Oh, Tsukishima,” she sighed softly. Her head went to her hand. “You sound so confident in that. It’s okay to be questioning.”

Tsukishima frowned. “I’m not questioning.”

“But... you literally just asked the _question_ of whether or not-“

“Okay, okay! I know!” He crossed his arms and huffed. “So I am.”

Kiyoko pressed down a light giggle. “Tell me the specifics that made you start looking things up.”

“Well, I want to be with him a lot. Sometimes he holds my hand.” He blushed but told himself to suck it up. It was already too far in the conversation. “I used to be more of an asshole to him, kinda, but I just can’t anymore.”

“Is that all?” the manager asked. “At the least that might just be strong platonic attraction. Tell me more.”

“I got sweaty when he hugged me and I don’t want him to-“

He groaned, cutting himself off by hitting the sides of his face with both hands.

_Kiyoko must be holding in her second hand embarrassment right now. How lame am I?_

“I won’t judge you, Tsukishima. What kind of manager would I be to make fun of a first year in a situation like this? It would be hypocritical too. I was like this before.”

He pushed up his glasses. “Really?”

“Yes. Finish your sentence.”

“...I don’t want him to get a girlfriend. I just want to be his first choice. And when he had a crush on Yachi before she came out—yeah.”

_Now that I’m saying it out loud, it doesn’t sound like I have a crush. I just sound like a clingy loser._

“I can see why you’re questioning. That can all be romantic and platonic at the same time,” Kiyoko soothed him, “but you don’t need an immediate answer.”

That sparked a memory of the urge to kiss Yamaguchi in the gym during free period the other day. If a sickness was building up, he was glad he didn’t follow up with the meaningless idea. So he said, “I wanted to kiss him. I didn’t, but something told me to do it.”

Her mouth fell open a little. “Oh.”

“It sounds gay, but I don’t know if that was just something random that isn’t actually what I want.”

“You’ll figure it out in time. I can’t tell you who you really are. But, I wish you the best of luck. You can keep talking to me about this but I doubt I’ll be able to give you a solid answer.”

Tsukishima nodded. “Figures. Now this is just humiliating.”

“Why? It’s not anything strange to me.”

He bent over to grab his bag and she did the same with her own belongings. “It’s just weird,” he grumbled. “Barely talked to you before and now I’m saying something like this? Lame.”

“Before you go,” she said, “I wanted to say this. I’ve never heard you talk this long without insulting someone else.”

“Could say the same about you. Minus the insulting.”

She smiled shyly. “I didn’t know you could open up this much about something like this. I’m proud of you.”

“Oh, huh.” The wind was knocked from Tsukishima’s lungs. “Thanks?”

“You’re welcome. Get home safe.”

━ ━ ━ ━ ━

_“I’m proud of you.”_

He laughed to himself.

He laughed as hot tears stung his eyes and burned rolling down his cheeks.

_I’m flattered, Kiyoko, but..._

_It won’t last._

His head tilted up towards the deep blue sky. It swallowed him whole, nearly knocking him over with how dizzy it made him.

_Nothing truly does._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i just love the idea of tsukki and kiyoko being friends sm :”) also chapter lengths vary a good chunk of this story has been written already im not losing motivation skdkjfs


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw: implied ab//e
> 
> remember that all tw are in the tags, please check them! i’ll also put them in these notes, but yk <3

**KARASUNO!!**

_Hinata_  
is something going on between tsukishima and kiyoko?????

 _Tanaka_  
WHAT

 _Nishinoya_  
TSUKISHIMA YOU LIAR

 _Kei ☾_  
what the fuck.

 _Hinata_  
after practice tsukishima stayed behind and waited for kiyoko and i think they went into the girl’s locker room together!

 _Kiyoko_  
don’t make such assumptions- we were only talking, everyone.

 _Kiyoko_  
and he’s too young for me lol

 _Hitoka ^^_  
T_T

 _Kiyoko_  
?

 _Hitoka ^^_  
nothing!

 _Nishinoya_  
me and my bro still have our eyes on you, tsukishima

 _Kei ☾_  
that’s creepy, no thanks.

 _Kiyoko_  
gross too.

 _Kei ☾_  
^

 _Tanaka_  
LOOK AT THAT THEYRE AGREEING WITH EACH OTHER

 _Kei ☾_  
saying bye before my brain turns to dust bc of you guys.

 _Kiyoko_  
^

━ ━ ━ ━ ━

With sore eyes on his phone, Yamaguchi might have laughed if it wasn’t for the elephant in the room.

In other words, the glaring mark on the side of his face that made his cheek swollen. If he smiled or even did so much as speak; pain, sharp as knives, would shoot through the forming bruise coated in a layer of dried tears he hadn’t bothered cleaning up yet. His body was tight and limp at the same time. Whatever the agonizing feeling truly was, it left him silent and unable to move.

It was day one of being “sick” to everyone besides his parents. He wasn’t excused from classes, but sneaking onto his father’s computer to email the school about an illness was his saving grace. He wiped the evidence after. If not for that, his parents would know about him skipping.

On day one, he just sat at home. He got all the digital copies of the homework done. Missing practice was a whole other struggle but he managed to convince his parents that there was a short break for the club.

Yamaguchi pressed an ice pack against the affected area and watched his own somber expression in the bathroom mirror.

If it was just any bruise, he would have gone to school.

This bruise was in the shape of a harsh slap, clear as day.

He would be crying but he was too drained to. He couldn’t even process what happened. If it was brought to mind, he would stare off into numbing blankness as if it was only a faraway memory or nothing significant at all. While he technically understood the events, he had yet to wrap his head around the fact that they happened. Homework distracted him from the messy thoughts somewhat, but it didn’t distract from the ice pack melting in his hand or the words from his parents imprinting themselves into his skull.

_“This is for yelling back.”_

_“Don’t argue with me.”_

_“Don’t cry.”_

Then, he murmured an apology and followed their orders. And cried. At least, not until he was left alone in his bedroom that had suddenly gone cold. His knees buckled under him and a high pitched whimper fled his lips. That was all his voice could muster.

Knees hit the floor with a thud. The pain in his legs was nothing like the burning in his face or the tugs at his rapid heart. A hand rushed to clamp over his mouth to mute his sobs.

 _Did that really happen?_ he thought.

When he let his body focus towards the side of face, the answer was yes. But when his mind went back to old memories of a seemingly happy family, it all seemed fake. His mother smiled brighter than the sun. His father orbited around her and did so without a single complaint.

_So what changed was me._

_They had me._

He was a mess on his bedroom floor. Every muscle shut down so he crumbled there, not being able to push himself up against the weight on his shoulders.

However, that was then.

 _This_ was now. On day one, Yamaguchi was numb.

With his head against the bare wall on the right of his bed, he breathed out, “You never gave me a direct answer.”

Years of friendship flashed before his eyes. Every high, every low, every passing moment that could be meaningless to anyone else.

“What if we ran away together, Tsukki?”

He clenched the front of his t-shirt in both fists with a clumsy grin. When he asked that one night they held hands for the first time, Tsukishima seemed on edge and asked questions but a definite “no” was never said.

“Would you do anything for me?”

━ ━ ━ ━ ━

Tsukishima spammed Yamaguchi’s phone asking why he didn’t respond to texts or calls the previous night. Yamaguchi lied that he fell asleep early to try to feel better sooner. The next morning kicked off the second day without Yamaguchi by his side all day due to the “sickness”. It was fine. Of course, it was fine. Tsukishima didn’t need him every single second.

It got Tsukishima thinking about college. As a student in an advanced class, he’d thought of college plenty despite being a only first year. This time, it was different. Instead of figuring out which college he wanted most, items to stack onto his application, and other things that hurt his brain, it led to none other than Yamaguchi.

They could possibly end up in different colleges and they wouldn’t be separated only for a couple days due to a common sickness. Anything could happen in three years.

‘Anything.’

Such a vague term. It pissed Tsukishima off even though the whole point was to be vague. He put his hands behind his head and stretched his back.

_Pathetic._

He shouldn’t worry. Yamaguchi was probably taking a nap to sleep off his illness. There was no reason to contemplate their future. Whatever happened would happen. Tsukishima didn’t need new friends anyway. If they were separated at college, they would still talk often. Yamaguchi would wait.

_But would he?_

“Tsukishima! Hinata spiked it right over your head because you didn’t even jump! Are you a middle blocker or not?”

The boy squeezed his eyes shut and opened them to see his feet in an open stance on the court. He froze in place like his soles were glued to the floor.

Deafening yells shredded through him like he was composed of tissue paper. His lungs went tight in his tissue paper body. The ringing in his ears was acceptable until it grew into a monster reminiscent of a wailing fire alarm. His hands clamped over his ears, knees turning inward. They weakened beneath his heavy head.

“SHUT UP!”

It only got louder.

Louder.

And louder.

More frantic than ever. Tsukishima wheezed uncontrollably, noticing someone cover him but he wasn’t sure who. He was a newborn puppy. A useless creature who could barely walk.

_Get me out of here._

━ ━ ━ ━ ━

_Let’s get out of here._

Yamaguchi’s fantasy to run away grew stronger by the day. A rough plan was scribbled in his notebook.

When he looked at himself in the mirror, the mark looked more purple than the red-pink it was a day prior. He had no idea how long it would take for it to disappear altogether. In his newfound downtime he put on one of Tsukishima’s playlists. More specifically, his rock and metal playlist titled “I Hate My Fucking Dad”.

With his parents out of the house, he could blast it at top volume and whatever thoughts he had vanished as he lost himself in the music.

To be lost was a common fear, but in that moment, Yamaguchi wanted nothing more.

_I don’t mind getting lost anywhere in this damn country._

_But I want you there with me._

━ ━ ━ ━ ━

“I’m sorry Kiyoko isn’t here. She’s talking to the Coach and Sensei Takeda and the captains.”

No response.

“Tsukishima... nobody was talking or playing. Whatever loud noises you heard were in your head.”

Nobody could have that tiny, sweet voice except Yachi Hitoka. He raised his head from his hands and glared. “Let me deal with this alone.”

“Y-You don’t have to talk to me! Kiyoko just wanted me to accompany you until you started talking again, s-so I guess I’ll go now... Sorry! We all really hope you feel better!”

Tsukishima grunted. It was the most he could do. His voice was fucked to hell.

_Twice now that I’ve let this happen in front of other people._

His wall—his relief.

The one thing he thought was reliable had left him too, even though he was the one who built it.


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “No reasoning? There’s no important date that I’m missing?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for 800 hits lol :) i think i’m getting more used to ao3 now! still kinda nervous
> 
> \+ same content warnings for the previous chapter to go forward

On his third day of being “sick”, Yamaguchi put on a soft white bandage to hide the bruise that had then turned a purple-blue. That day it ached the most along with the scene replaying in his mind but louder each time, and his lungs ached for some fresh air to distract himself. A phone, his house key, and a wallet were shoved into the pockets of his hoodie.

Tsukishima updated him over text throughout the day, mostly complaining about being tired or about other people. Briefly, he noted it was his mother’s birthday and he’d have to touch his abandoned piano. When he mentioned he didn’t get any sleep and Yamaguchi tried to ask what happened during the day that caused him so much stress, he shot him down instantly. Yamaguchi couldn’t stop wondering what it could be but he didn’t want to nag at Tsukishima.

When Yamaguchi left the house, he went down for a walk around the outdoor shopping center. Not many people were outside aside from the workers there due to the current hour, but it made it all the more tranquil of a walk. His sneakers hit the pavement and stones with satisfying small thuds. The loneliness was strangely calming.

Being surrounded by people who wouldn’t even bat an eye at him was too. On the court, he craved attention, but when he slipped right into the background as Villager C, it wasn’t actually so bad.

Villager C could do whatever he wanted because the spotlight wouldn’t catch him.

He suddenly stopped when he reached the bakery, scanning the over-the-top displays in the window. He came across a red velvet cupcake with white frosting and a cherry on top. That was when he finally went into a store instead of just roaming as usual.

“Thank you, sir!” he said with a polite smile. A white box sat in his hands.

━ ━ ━ ━ ━

“Prove me wrong.”

“Prove _me_ wrong. There’s literally no proof to back up your statement and there already is on mine.”

“I gave you my proof!”

“I don’t care what ‘proof’ you have; chicken fingers aren’t fucking vegetables, Nishinoya,” Sugawara said. “Just because you don’t like them and also don’t like vegetables means nothing!”

Nishinoya raised his voice. “Oh yeah? Then why are they fucking crunchy?”

“What he said!” Tanaka egged him on.

“Oh!” Sugawara exclaimed in a mock excited tone. “I guess apples are vegetables too because they’re crunchy! Nishinoya. Are you okay in the head?”

“You guys aren’t seriously having this argument again, are you?” Asahi asked, lines showing on his face from the exhaustion.

Daichi put a hand on Asahi’s shoulder. “They are. Just tune it out. Noya’s not going to give it up any time soon knowing how pissed Suga gets because of it.” He pulled out the key and went to unlock it but was stopped by Sugawara.

“There’s a little box from that bakery at the center!” Sugawara stated. He examined the box. “Whoever left it here wrote ‘it’s a gift for Tsukishima Kei, so please don’t let anyone else eat it’.”

“Does our first year have a secret admirer?” Nishinoya gasped.

“Yeah,” Tanaka sighed, “another. That kid gets so many girls and he doesn’t even want to.”

Daichi leaned over to see the box. “It doesn’t say who it’s from. Let’s just give it to him after practice. He’ll decide what he wants to do about it.”

So after practice, while everyone was still seated in a clump together, Daichi announced that a gift had come for Tsukishima. Tsukishima rolled his eyes so hard they could get stuck at the idea of another girl to reject. He accepted the box and looked for a note attached but only saw the handwriting which he recognized without struggle.

His lips parted.

_Oh._

“I think Yamaguchi wanted to make me feel better about yesterday,” he explained. He cleared his throat. “I told him during free period that I was tired too...”

“Aww, how sweet!” Yachi squealed.

Narita muttered, “He can be so kind, and yet.”

“Since it’s not a gift from a girl, can I have it?” Hinata asked.

Tsukishima drew the box closer to his own chest. “Hell no. I would give it away if it was a girl, but Yamaguchi would cry if I didn’t take the gift.”

And he wanted it anyway. Just a little.

“I think they’re dating,” Tanaka whispered purposely loud to Nishinoya. From his volume, everyone could hear.

“God, shut up.” His consonants came down sharp. He huffed and lifted the lid of the box to see the red velvet cupcake with the sliced strawberry perched on top.

The gift came out of nowhere. There weren’t any upcoming holidays or special hangout sessions—whatever those were. Because of that, Tsukishima melted a little. Yamaguchi bought it out of platonic love for Tsukishima, not because he felt obligated to. And that destroyed the blond’s heart, though not necessarily in a negative light.

Even though Tsukishima wasn’t sure how easily he could say anything about himself, he was perfectly aware that Yamaguchi cared for him as a best friend. Nobody who didn’t would stay with him for so long, buy him things just because they reminded them of him, were happiest when they were with him. The obvious statement was right there: Yamaguchi loved him.

It warmed his cold heart a bit, but for some reason, it stung at the same time before he forgot again.

The cupcake looked good. It was too perfect, suspiciously so. Tsukishima almost didn’t want to eat it.

One bite would crush it.

He still held the box carefully in the locker room after he got changed into his regular clothes. As most days went, he was first to leave.

 _ **Calling Tadashi :)**_...

“Tsukki?”

“Hey, Yamaguchi. I got the cupcake you left for me.” “Ah, you did!” “Yep. So... thanks. Why didn’t you leave a note saying it was you, though? Everyone else thought some girl sent me a gift.”

Yamaguchi giggled. “I knew you wouldn’t need to see my name to know it was me.”

“I guess. Why’d you send it anyway?”

“Well, I got bored laying at home and I’m feeling better except for my migraine today. So I just took a walk and saw the cupcake in the window and wanted to get it for you.”

Tsukishima paused. “No reasoning? There’s no important date that I’m missing?” He couldn’t have been right earlier about Yamaguchi just wanting him to feel better. Right?

Yamaguchi denied it again.

A buzz of Tsukishima’s phone made him let out a short grunt. “Akiteru’s calling me. Since it’s my mom’s birthday, I should get home faster.”

“Okay. Bye, Tsukki! I hope you like the cupcake.”

“I do. Thanks. Feel better soon. I-“

_I miss you._

He swallowed back his last words and replaced it with a quick “bye” before picking up the new call from Akiteru. “Yeah, yeah. I’m coming. God.”

━ ━ ━ ━ ━

_Would I cut my hair? Dye it a different color? Cover up my freckles? Get colored contacts?_

Yamaguchi’s imagination was swarmed with how to run away without being found. There wasn’t much he could do by himself, though. Besides, his friends and Tsukishima were at home. It held him back from imagining too much.

He set his notebook and pen down and allowed his eyes to flutter shut.

_What am I even getting at? This plan isn’t going to lead anywhere._

_Maybe it’s my new weird coping mechanism._

He gulped.

That day, when he talked—no, yelled—back for the first time, he thought that was the farthest it would go. When a hand was raised but shoved down with as much self control as his mother could muster. Yet, there he sat against the wall, bandage now gone and replaced with another self made ice pack. At that point, the bruise didn’t even look like it was part of human skin from the amount of force in the attack.

_Sorry, Tsukki. I keep lying._

_I think we both do that, though. And we do it to protect each other. I don’t want you to lie to me but I lie all the time if there’s a chance you won’t find out._

_I’ll tell you someday._

Tsukishima raised his voice at him when he was killing himself with his studies to please his parents. If he found out about _this_ , then no matter how much Yamaguchi needed his friendship, he could never face him again. He couldn’t imagine how angry Tsukishima would get at his parents when really, Yamaguchi could have dodged and made a run for it.

_Right._

He could’ve dodged.

_Stupid, stupid, Tadashi._

Or maybe Tsukishima wouldn’t blow up. He would think about it rationally and figure out exactly what to do with a perfect plan. Even so, Yamaguchi knew better than that. If Tsukishima wasn’t showing it, he was letting it eat him up inside.

In any case, Yamaguchi did a good job hiding the swelling under his eyes when they hung out as a team from the tears of distress his parents caused with only a raised hand. Tsukishima didn’t notice a thing. It was only in Yamaguchi’s behavior that he couldn’t hide it completely.

_I’ll be extra nice to you. My face will look normal in no time. I’ll drop hints. I don’t think I have the capacity to say it in blunt words._

_When I see you start hating things here too, then I’ll ask you if you want to leave without a trace._

He chewed gently on the pen cap.

Before all that, he needed to make sure any questions Tsukishima might have had a definite, safe answer.

He warmed at the mental image of Tsukishima smiling as they sat together in a dark, secret corner of the world somewhere. If they really tried, it could be them against the world forever.

He couldn’t help but let his mind feed into the fantasy.

That familiar feeling crept up behind him again. It tickled the back of his neck.

━ ━ ━ ━ ━

Tsukishima played the happy birthday song on the dusty, abandoned upright piano in the corner of the living room. He dropped lessons ages ago but the happy birthday song came easy.

“Happy birthday, Mom. Bye,” he said in a monotone voice. Right as he started walking towards his room, Akiteru grabbed his arm.

“Not so fast, Kei!” he said. “Don’t you want a piece of cake?”

Tsukishima blinked and diverted his eyes to the uncut cake on a clear plate. “I do want cake,” he breathed out in frustration.

“You can go to your room after you eat cake and brush your teeth, alright?” their mother suggested gently. “But you better shower in the morning.”

“Fine...”

That was how he ended up with a relatively thin slice of birthday cake in front of him. At the dining table, he sat across from the side his mother and Akiteru were on. It used to be balanced, with their father sitting next to the younger boy.

Akiteru couldn’t read his baby brother’s mind, but his sibling senses detected something was off just by the grimace. He ruffled his hair across the table. “Want me to get you some juice?”

Kei patted his hair back into place. “Do you think I’m six years old?”

Akiteru smirked and let the silence go on a few seconds. He wiggled his eyebrows in a way that only made the younger cringe.

Finally, in the same way he admitted he wanted cake, Kei said, “Apple juice...”

“On it, your majesty!” The eldest brother got up to open the fridge.

Kei rolled his eyes at that nickname, as it was a variation of what he used to taunt Kageyama. Across the table, his mother looked at him with the bags under her eyes dragging her expression low. “How’s school?”

“Fine.”

“How about volleyball?”

“Fine.”

“Any details besides it being fine?”

“Not really.”

Whatever she said next, if she said anything at all or just gave up on her hopeless son, Kei forced himself to block. He took a long sip of apple juice that Akiteru left for him, saying a simple ‘thanks’ after.

He stared at what was left of his slice.

Another year with his mother loving him unconditionally without much enthusiasm in return. Directly loving hadn’t come out of his mouth since he was nine. They were lodged in the back of his throat. He physically couldn’t say a simple phrase. He could barely hug his own mother.

And he knew she did nothing to deserve such a distant, ungrateful son.

He gave her so much time; so much space between them. There were constant opportunities to leave her tired life and hopeless son behind her. Yet she never packed up and disappeared. She hadn’t lied to Kei ever since he was nine years old.

To disrupt the discomfort in the air, Akiteru pulled out a gift bag. When their mother opened it, she gasped at the cute little succulents she could add to her collection. Succulents were lined on almost every window sill inside the house. Akiteru received a gracious hug with ease. On the other hand, Kei didn’t have a gift prepared. It wasn’t like he made any money.

“How about you play a nice piece to make up for it?” Akiteru suggested. “I know piano isn’t your thing anymore, but I remember you were great at sight reading before you quit.”

A blatant rejection was on the tip of Kei’s tongue, but he caught the hope in his mother’s eyes and shakily sat down at the piano. He opened his piano book to the bookmark, showing the piece he perfected before quitting.

A breath in.

And out.

His right foot stepped on the pedal at all the right times, his body pressing into the keys like he was born to do it. The skills he had were still in him, just long abandoned.

But the sound started to become washed out when he got to the middle. The adrenaline got the best of him and he became too worried trying to continue his perfect performance. His hands came down too hard against the keys, clambering them like they were his worst enemy. The clunking came from his wrists and aching fingers rather than his soul guiding his body into his fingertips. In no time, it was noise, not music. He remembered why he quit in the first place.

His right hand slipped and missed a chord—the piano made a demonic sound.

So he stopped. His hands trembled so he clenched them into fists, then breathed out as they opened and fell limp at his sides. The piece was far from over. Each of the notes were blurry on the page, distorted. The volleyball court was his new place, not the concert hall.

He scoffed at himself and without another word, went to his room. He didn’t wipe the dust off, didn’t close his book or bring the cover down.

He made a mistake, and on the birthday of the woman who raised him. On the day Akiteru would be home before going back to college.

_Why did I even try?_

_I could’ve just said no._

The volleyball on his desk was in his hands as he lightly tossed it up and caught it on repeat.

His hands were large yet thin, and fairly strong too. He was granted all the natural advantages for every out-of-school activity he ever tried. He had the unconditional support of his family even after his father left.

Every opportunity to be the family’s perfect dream Kei was handed to him, and yet.

Intensely watching the ball roll out from his grip and slowing on the rug took his mind off the embarrassment for a minute before he reached for his phone. His certain safety from humiliation was all in that screen. Once, that spot was the court, but now everyone had their eyes on him and not in the way he could be proud of. Before that, it was the concert hall. It couldn’t be long before every spot of his was-

**_“If you meant to call Yamaguchi Tadashi, you got it, hi! For whatever reason, I can’t pick up right now. Leave a message after the- the beep, right? Thank you... heh.”_**

With Yamaguchi not picking up the phone once again, Kei put on his headphones and awaited another restless night. His shower could wait. He could add a few extra minutes to brushing his teeth in the morning. It didn’t matter when leaving his room was embarrassing.

He could hear the conversation they would have while explaining everything to Yamaguchi. The other boy’s voice in his responses was so clear in his mind, he forgot he wasn’t actually talking to him. His arms moved as if he was, and his face heated up as he would have gotten more flustered as the story progressed, but the missing component was Yamaguchi himself.

It was the music. Yamaguchi’s voice replaced the singers’ in their shared playlist.

The blond slapped his own forehead at how dumb he probably looked silently venting to nobody at all.

He put on a different playlist.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okok i don’t wanna add too many notes i just wanna add that clingy tsukki is my SHIT


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I’M SO FUCKING STUPID.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> last day of 2020! should i say happy new year already?

“Something is seriously wrong with Tsukishima,” Yachi said worriedly. “You guys just say it’s his anxiety getting the better of him, but he’s had two public anxiety attacks so far.”

“Did something new happen, Hitoka?” Kiyoko asked.

“He was whispering to himself all practice and looks really angry. He gets mad, but he usually has a straight face. He’s never looked this... close to exploding. I thought he would start feeling better after yesterday because of Yamaguchi’s cupcake, but I guess there’s more than what we see.”

Sugawara sighed into his hand. “I’ve been thinking about him too.”

“Gah! I know I shouldn’t have asked about his dad!” Nishinoya groaned, his voice cracking. “I should’ve known he didn’t want to talk about him.”

“Is that the only problem? I think he’s also been off since Yamaguchi got sick. He’s been quieter and more aggressive than ever,” the vice captain replied. “It’s been great for games today, but I don’t think he got enough sleep to be pushing this hard. The bags under his eyes are... something else.”

“Let’s have him skip practice for some time,” Daichi offered. “He should go home and eat up a little more. Take a nap, too. I don’t know what’s going on, but I don’t think we’re going to be able to get an answer out of someone like him.”

“Me too. It’ll be a disadvantage to have him miss practice, but it’s what he needs,” Sugawara said.

Kiyoko pursed her lips. Based off her conversation with Tsukishima the other day, she suspected a piece of the first year’s distress, but she kept it to herself. His secret was safe in the manager’s hands. “I agree. We should also inform his mother so she can take care of him. I’ll go to the staff office to give her a call.”

Yachi was biting her nails as Kiyoko left the room to make the call to the middle blocker’s mother. “I tried talking to Tsukishima. He turned around and looked like he was going to kill me! And he’s usually nicer to me than he is to other people aside from Tadashi.”

“I’ve only seen him genuinely smile around Yamaguchi,” Nishinoya pointed out. “The only other time he has was when Hinata served that ball to Kageyama’s head.”

Sugawara stared off in thought. “I wish he would at least try to become better friends with people who aren’t just Yamaguchi. I think Yachi and Shimizu are the furthest along.”

“M-Me?” Yachi squeaked. “No! He only tolerates me because I’m Tadashi’s friend!”

“Well, that’s why.” Sugawara patted the first year girl’s head. “I believe in you.”

━ ━ ━ ━ ━

Tsukishima would have complained about the third years babying him, but he was glad to go home earlier to doze off. It was far easier to take naps than get a good night’s sleep.

Even at home, he kept muttering the phrase on loop. Even in the living room, where the sight of the dusty piano taunted him about the birthday performance his mother and Akiteru hadn’t mentioned since. He said the phrase all day during practice and in his head during classes when he finished his work early. He said it until it felt normal, but it never once felt normal.

“I-I love? You? I loooooove y- ew. Gross. I- Fuck.”

He stood in front of the mirror and said each word separately, static. Then he scrunched up his face. “Did I just say that to myself?” He stated into his own exhausted eyes again. “I fucking hate you. Stupid bastard.”

 _I give up._ Finally, he slumped in bed and scowled. He thought of his mother and Yamaguchi. Even Akiteru. _How do I say it without saying it?_ He brought his knees up to his chest.

_Maybe I could get Yamaguchi something in return._

But he had no clue what to get for him. A new vinyl seemed basic, insincere.

He whipped out his phone.

_I can’t say **that** , but I can say something._

━ ━ ━ ━ ━

_Me_  
yama

 _Tadashi :)_  
hi tsukki!

 _Me_  
thanks for the cupcake again, i ate it today and it was really good.

 _Tadashi :)_  
aww you’re welcome

 _Me_  
it made me feel better too.

 _Tadashi :)_  
huh really?? aw that’s good!

 _Me_  
i also wanted to say i miss you.. you’ve been out of school a while and it’s boring as hell now. so yeah

 _Tadashi :)_  
you’re being a little weirdly nicer today!! :D i miss you too i’ll feel better soon i promise! i rarely get sick for longer than a week

 _Me_  
ok good

 _Tadashi :)_  
are you in a good mood?

 _Me_  
not really. it’s just dumb that i’m not that nice but you got me a gift for no reason, so

 _Me_  
i guess i’ll be nice

 _Me_  
i guess

━ ━ ━ ━ ━

He slammed his phone down and screamed at the top of his lungs. “I’M SO FUCKING STUPID.”

If only he was like Yamaguchi, or even Hinata. They could craft emotional sentences like they were nothing. Their connections came easy. Hinata became friends with literally whoever he met, even the team’s most intimidating opponents. Sugawara could charm anyone. Yachi was naturally sweeter than sugar. Kiyoko was Kiyoko—she could breathe in anyone’s direction and they would fall for her.

Tsukishima was tall and had a voice that several girls seemed to be attracted to, but when he looked to himself, all the unique charms everyone else had were nowhere to be found. Tsukishima couldn’t even be nice to his only friend correctly.

He ended the text conversation soon after and focused all his attention back onto his homework, powering through it until it was finally finished. Adding onto it, the change in his feelings towards Yamaguchi worsened his headache. He took off his glasses and laid on his stomach in bed, sighing into the pillow.

_Why can’t things stay the same?_

His arms unconsciously found themselves wrapping around the pillow.

_If I’m not gay, these are some fucked thoughts._

He closed his eyes and thought of gift ideas to return Yamaguchi’s kindness. When he finally thought of something, he was quite unimpressed at the extent of his imagination, but he hoped it would be effective enough.

━ ━ ━ ━ ━

Four days passed of Yamaguchi’s skin turning back to his normal shade and Tsukishima being excused from practice. Tsukishima waited for Yamaguchi to recover from his “sickness” and return to school before making him the gift.

Yamaguchi only purchased a pretty cupcake he saw in a display case, but Tsukishima wanted to make the small strawberry tarts at home. Following a recipe wasn’t much of a hassle so baking and cooking were skills that came easy.

Spreading the pastry cream released the tension in his shoulders, though it didn’t keep him from clenching his jaw. Arranging the carefully sliced strawberries reminded him of playing with Yamaguchi’s dark hair. Yamaguchi’s stupid strawberry scented hair.

Taking in his creations when the process was over was a plain “I love you”. He thought of Yamaguchi’s dramatic gasp and bright smile while he accepted the blond’s gift. Said blond’s eyes would trail to Yamaguchi’s lips.

And he wouldn’t do anything after that, of course. That would be gross.

He put the plate in saran wrap and into the top section of the refrigerator. But before that, he made sure to put on a sticky note instructing nobody to eat them. Akiteru’s college campus was close enough to home that he could essentially visit whenever he pleased.

Tsukishima had his back on the fridge door. His hands went to his face, pushing his glasses back in the process. He thought, _There I go again, thinking about kissing Yamaguchi of all people._

He closed his eyes and gave into his daydream. His hands folded and went up to his chest. Nerves shot through him at the idea of being so intimate, especially with a boy instead of a girl. He inhaled deeply, then remembered he should clean up the baking supplies he left on the counter. That could come later though, since his mind belonged to Yamaguchi.

_I know you like girls, but let me imagine like some dumbass._

_I’m sure if you knew about how I feel, you’d push me away. I shouldn’t imagine being yours and get my hopes up like an idiot, but I haven’t figured out how to stop this._

From the quiet corner of the room, right by the doorway between the living room and kitchen, Tsukishima’s mother had never seen her youngest son so lovestruck. So blissful, without a single worry—at least, in many years.

The bags under her eyes and her forehead wrinkles from the stress of taking care of two boys alone finally started to pay off. Kei loved someone, she knew. There was no other realistic explanation of how intense his facial expressions were while doing such a seemingly tranquil activity. She perked up at the scent of strawberry tarts. Whoever Kei was so infatuated with deserved all his mother’s gratitude along with the boy’s baked goods.

In that moment, he was determined. He had the face of a young boy who lived in blissful ignorance and would soon do it again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it’s not actually 2021 yet but HAPPY NEW YEAR!


End file.
